Breaking Free From Rumination After a Narcissistic Relationship

Breaking Free From Rumination After a Narcissistic Relationship

by | Anxiety, Relationships, Self-Esteem, Trauma

If you’ve ever found yourself replaying old conversations, imagining what you should have said, or wondering if it was all somehow your fault, you’re not alone. This mental loop is called rumination, and it can pull you out of your present life and drop you right back into the past. It is actually a very common experience for those who have been in narcissistic relationships, sometimes even months or years after the relationship has ended.

The impact does not stop with thoughts about the relationship itself. Rumination can spill into other areas of your life, leading you to second-guess everyday decisions. You might question what you like or do not like, hesitate over career choices, or even feel unsure about simple things like what to wear. When your inner world has been shaped by constant doubt and gaslighting, it is no surprise that self-trust feels shaky long after the relationship is over.

You may also find yourself wondering, why do I keep going back? Why can’t I just move on? That frustration is part of the rumination trap, feeling stuck between knowing what happened was harmful and still getting pulled into the loop of trying to make sense of it.

 

What This Rumination Looks Like

Rumination often sounds like:

  • “Maybe it was me.”
  • “I didn’t explain myself clearly enough.”
  • “Maybe if I just changed…”
  • “If I could just say this one thing, maybe it would change.”
  • “If only I could just get them to see what they did.”
  • “We had some good moments, too. Was I just being too sensitive?”

These are all the classic questions and thoughts for those caught in rumination, being stuck in mental loops, replaying scenarios, imagining how things could have been better, or waiting for the day the other person finally notices the pain they caused.

 

Why Rumination May Be Happening

Narcissistic people are skilled at planting doubt and leaving you without true closure or understanding. Leaving you feeling like you are never right, and you are meant to doubt yourself. They are both skilled and unwilling to admit that they are doing this. It is highly unlikely that this person is ever going to hold themselves accountable or acknowledge the harm they caused. You could play out many scenarios in your head, and the outcome would be the same: “you lose”

Family of origin dynamics can deepen this pattern too. If you grew up around gaslighting or criticism, it is easy to keep chasing validation that may never come. These earlier messages can build in a narrative around self-doubting and difficulty with trusting how you really feel.

 

Breaking From the Cycle of Rumination

You cannot fix the unfixable, but you can take steps to loosen rumination’s grip. Dr. Ramani suggests the following tips, and if you want to dive deeper I encourage you to watch the video listed below and explore more of her content. She is a specialist in narcissistic abuse and recovery.

  • Distraction List: Helpful shifts that can take you away from your thoughts and ruminations: a change of scene, engaging in a fun hobby, going for a walk, or calling a friend. These small actions can help reset the mind and give you space away from the loop.
  • Mindfulness Practice: Anchor yourself in the present by tuning into what is around you: sights, sounds, and sensations.
  • Realistic Recall: I like to describe this as making the painful events of abuse more tangible instead of being caught in only the “good moments.” Writing down the difficult times can help keep a clear picture of what actually happened.
  • Joyful Defiance: This is about actively defying the restrictions that relationship placed on you. Do the very things you were not allowed to do, whether it is wearing certain clothes, laughing too loud, or exploring new hobbies. Each act of joyful defiance is a way of reclaiming your life and your sense of self.

 

Final Thoughts

Rumination convinces you that if you think hard enough, or if you finally say the perfect thing, you will land on the explanation that makes sense. But healing and reclaiming yourself does not come from being caught in the problem solving and confusing puzzle the narcissist has planted. It comes from recognizing the game and the manipulation, and choosing to step out of it. Little by little, you can shift your focus from replaying the past to reclaiming your present.

If you think this pertains to you or you resonate with what you have read, Ellen Bass specializes in helping people reclaim their lives after narcissistic and emotional abuse. She supports individuals in rebuilding self-trust, finding clarity, and creating space for healing and growth.

Resources:

 

 

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by | May 10, 2024 | , ,

When I am among the trees, Especially the willows and the honey locust, Equally the beech, the oaks and the pines, They give off such hints of gladness I would almost say they save me, and daily. Excerpt, "When I Am Among The Trees" by Mary Oliver We live in a world...

Reclaiming Joy: A Playful Way to Reflect on Your Values Through Your Inner Child

Reclaiming Joy: A Playful Way to Reflect on Your Values Through Your Inner Child

by | General

 

When life feels packed with roles and responsibilities, it’s easy to drift away from what really matters to us. That’s where values come in. In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), values help guide us back toward a meaningful life and one that actually feels like ours. But here’s the thing: What if you explored your values through a different lens—not just from your adult perspective, but by reconnecting with a younger version of you or a version of you (real or imagined) who knew—or dreamed of—what it felt like to be free, joyful, or fully yourself?

This blend of values work, inner child reflection, and narrative therapy can help you reconnect with parts of yourself that felt more you, before the world handed you roles, expectations, pressures to “get it right”, or strictly abide by the “shoulds” of life.

A gentle note: not everyone had a joyful or safe childhood. If thinking about your younger years brings up pain, distance, or blank spaces, that’s okay. This reflection isn’t about romanticizing the past—it’s about imagining what freedom, joy, or wholeness could have looked like (or still can). You can picture a version of your younger self who deserved care, fun, and self-expression—even if that wasn’t always your lived experience.

 

Who this reflection can be helpful for:

This kind of inner child + values reflection is great for anyone who is:

  • Trying to live more boldly or authentically
  • Reconnecting with who they are outside of roles, expectations, or burnout
  • Exploring a career shift or wanting to feel more aligned in their work
  • Rethinking how they live—seeking a lifestyle that feels more attuned to their actual self
  • Starting or running a business and wanting to stay connected to the heart of what they offer
  • Thinking about going back to school or learning something new, and wanting clarity on why it matters to them
  • Recovering from a season of survival mode and ready to reimagine what life can look like now

This isn’t about having it all figured out. It’s about looking inward, listening differently, and remembering what parts of you still want to come along with you.

 

 

When you’re ready, here’s a way to explore this

Think of a version of you (real or imagined) who felt more connected to freedom, joy, or your true self.

 Ask yourself:

  • How old are they?
  • What are they wearing?
  • What are they doing or immersed in?
  • What kind of environment are they in?
  • What makes them feel open, alive, or fully themselves?

Now imagine that version of you is planning a full-day experience for you, now.

  • Where would they take you?
  • What would they want you to remember or reclaim?
  • What would they insist you make time for?

Examples might include: (and truly, this list could be endless – feel free to get silly, imaginative, or even a little out there!)

  • An afternoon exploring nature and collecting treasures.
  • A dance party in your room with zero concern for what you look like.
  • Drawing, building, or creating something just for the joy of it.
  • Imagining you could fly to the moon in a cardboard spaceship.
  • Dressing up in whatever feels most you and going out just to feel fabulous

 A few more prompts:

  • If joy or freedom weren’t part of your early story, what do you wish had been?
  • What would a true-to-you version of childhood or play look like now?
  • What values do you hear in what that younger version wants you to remember? (Freedom? Safety? Creativity? Rest? Play?)
  • How could you honor just one of those values this week?

As you reflect on these ideas and see what answers arise. Let it marinate a bit.

  • Are there parts of these reflections that speak to you?
  • Are they pointing toward values that may have shifted, deepened, or long been waiting for your attention?
  • If you really listened to these responses from your inner child, what might they be trying to show you about your life right now?

Your inner child (whether remembered, imagined, or re-invented) can be a powerful compass. Reconnecting with what lit you up (or what could have) can be a meaningful step toward living a life that feels like your own.

If this reflection sparked something deeper or if you’re resonating with these ideas and wondering what to do with them, we’d love to support you. At Star Meadow Counseling, we have counselors who can help you explore these themes in a safe and intentional way.

 

 

Ellen Bass, LMHCA, is one of our counselors who blends values exploration, narrative therapy, and gentle inner child work to help individuals reconnect with who they are and what they want their life to be about. Reach out to schedule an appointment today!

 

 

 

 

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by | Sep 23, 2019 |

Until quite recently, people were uncomfortable discussing therapy because of the stigma attached by our society. As a result, there are still some fairly big misconceptions about it. Here are 3 of the most common misconceptions about therapy to help you feel more...

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by | May 17, 2019 |

We've moved to a new office!Don't worry; we didn't move far. Our new office is in the same building (10000 NE 7th Ave, Suite 403, Vancouver, WA 98685). You'll take the stairs or the elevator up to the 4th floor for your counseling appointment. Our new...

Healing from Narcissistic or Emotional Abuse: A Journey to Rediscovery and Resilience

Healing from Narcissistic or Emotional Abuse: A Journey to Rediscovery and Resilience

by | PTSD, Relationships, Sexual Abuse / Trauma, Trauma, Trauma / PTSD

Abuse, whether labeled as narcissistic or emotional, can leave deep, lasting scars on your self-esteem, sense of self-worth, and overall mental well-being. Many people who have experienced this may feel lost, confused, and question their own reality. If you are reading this and wondering if you have gone through narcissistic or emotional abuse or are looking for help to heal from a harmful or unhealthy relationship. I want you to know that you’re not alone, and there is a path to finding healing and rediscovery.

 

What is Narcissistic or Emotional Abuse?

Narcissistic and emotional abuse are types of emotional manipulation that involve behaviors like gaslighting, where a person makes you doubt your own perceptions and reality. This kind of abuse can occur in any relationship, including those with parents, siblings, children, partners, and even friends. Over time, this can wear away your confidence and leave you feeling isolated and unsure of yourself. Some common signs of narcissistic or emotional abuse include, but are not limited to:

  • Gaslighting: Making you question your reality, memories, and perceptions.
  • Manipulation: Using guilt, shame, and fear to establish control.
  • Isolation: Cutting you off from friends, family, and support systems.
  • Blaming: Making you feel responsible for their problems or emotional state.
  • Constant Criticism and Devaluation: Belittling you and making you feel worthless.
  • Minimizing or Dismissing Your Feelings: Making light of your feelings, needs, or concerns.
  • Love Bombing and Withdrawal: Alternating between excessive praise and affection and sudden withdrawal or silent treatment.

 

Questions to Ask Yourself

If you’re wondering whether you’ve experienced narcissistic or emotional abuse, here are some questions to help you reflect:

  1. Do you often feel confused about your relationship and question your own reality?
  2. Have you felt isolated from friends and family since being with this person?
  3. Does this person frequently criticize or belittle you, making you feel worthless?
  4. Do you find yourself doubting your own memories and perceptions because this person tells you they are wrong?
  5. Do you experience extreme highs and lows in your relationship, with periods of intense affection followed by sudden withdrawal?
  6. Do you feel like you are walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting this person?
  7. Have you become dependent on this person’s approval and validation?

Recognizing these experiences is a helpful step towards healing. Remember, the label does not matter as much as acknowledging your experiences and their impact on your well-being.

 

The Impact of Narcissistic or Emotional Abuse

These effects can be profound and long-lasting. You may feel is if you are a shell of your former self, struggling with low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and a pervasive sense of worthlessness. You might also find yourself questioning your own judgment or trust in yourself, feeling like you can never do anything right, and fearing that you are somehow to blame for what you endured.

 

The Journey to Healing

The path towards healing from narcissistic or emotional abuse is truly a journey, and it begins with acknowledging how you are feeling and honoring that you are deserving of love, care, kindness, and support. Here are some ways you can begin your healing process:

  1. Acknowledge and Validate Your Experience: A key step to healing is recognizing and acknowledging the abuse. Validate your experiences and understand that the abuse was not your fault. You are deserving of love, respect, and kindness.
  2. Seek a Supportive Community: Surround yourself with supportive and understanding people. This can include friends, family, support groups, and a therapist who focuses in narcissistic and emotional abuse recovery.
  3. Rebuild Your Self-Esteem: These experiences can often leave you feeling worthless and unworthy of love. Work on rebuilding your self-esteem by engaging in parts of your life that bring you joy and fulfillment, setting healthy boundaries, and practicing self-compassion.
  4. Reauthor Negative Beliefs: From these relationships you may have developed strong negative beliefs about yourself in your mind. Challenge these harmful beliefs and create ways to reauthor your story with empowering and compassionate beliefs about yourself.
  5. Establish and Build Your Personal Identity: Reconnect with who you are outside of this relationship. Discover your authenticity, passions, interests, and strengths. Build on this personal identity to create a stronger sense of self.
  6. Therapy: Working with a therapist who understands narcissistic and emotional abuse can be beneficial. Therapy provides a safe space to process your experiences, develop coping strategies, and work towards building strength and resilience. A significant part of healing involves understanding the inner layers of your experiences and how they have affected you.

 

If you are finding yourself more curious about whether you have been in or are currently in an emotionally and/or narcissistic abusive relationship, here are more resources to help:

 

  • Recommended book about identifying and healing from narcissistic abuse by Dr. Ramani Durvasula: https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/710202/its-not-you-by-ramani-durvasula-phd/
  • Recommended YouTube Channel filled with educational videos surrounding emotional and narcissistic abuse provided by clinical psychologist, Ramani Durvasula, PhD who has extensive years of research and clinical experience with narcissistic abuse: https://www.youtube.com/@DoctorRamani
  • The National Domestic Violence Hotline websiteis the official site of the National Domestic Violence Hotline, providing resources, support, and information for individuals experiencing domestic violence and emotional abuse. The site offers 24/7 confidential assistance through phone, online chat, and text services, helping users understand abuse, create safety plans, and connect with local resources.

Emergency Support Resources:

  • National Domestic Violence Hotline – 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text TELLNOW to 85944
  • Clark County YWCA SafeChoice Hotline – 360-695-0501 or 1-800-695-0167

 

If you are seeking guidance in the areas of narcissistic or emotional abuse recovery, Ellen Bass, LMHCA, offers a compassionate and safe environment to explore these challenges and dedicated to helping you navigate your path to healing. Contact us to schedule an appointment!