by Ericka Martin, LMHC, LPC | CBT, Self Acceptance, Self Worth
When was the last time you heard from your inner critic? You know, that voice in your head that constantly judges you, puts you down and compares you to others. The one that tells you you’re not good enough or smart enough and says things you would never dream of saying to another person.
Now you may think this inner critic, while annoying, is relatively harmless. But this is simply not the case. This inner critical voice limits you and stops you from living the life you truly desire. It hinders your emotional well-being and, if left unchecked, can even lead to depression or anxiety.
Here are some ways you can silence that inner critic and stop beating yourself up.
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Give it Attention
That’s right, in order to gain control over your inner critic you have to know that it exists. Most of our thinking is automatic. In other words, we don’t give our thoughts much thought. We barely notice a critical thought has passed. Give attention to your thoughts, all of them. This will help you recognize the critical voice.
Here are some emotional clues the critic has reared its ugly head: whenever you feel doubt, guilt, shame, and worthlessness. These are almost always signs of the critic at work.
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Separate Yourself from Your Inner Critic
Your inner critic is like a parasite, feeding off you. You were not born with this parasite but acquired it along the way. Your inner critic hopes it can hide and blend in, and that you’ll think ITS thoughts are your own.
You have to separate yourself from this parasite. One way to do that is to give your critic a name. Have fun with this naming. You could call your inner critic anything from “Todd” to “Miss. Annoying Loudmouth.” It doesn’t matter.
What matters is that you learn to separate it from your authentic self.
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Talk Back
In order to take the power away from your inner critic, you’ve got to give it a taste of its own medicine. As soon as you recognize your inner critic is speaking to you, tell it to shut up. Tell it that the jig is up, that you know it is a big, fat liar, and that you want it to go away. If you want to really make this voice recoil, tell it you are choosing to be kind to yourself from now on. A counselor can help you learn to talk back powerfully using strategies like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).
Self-compassion to an inner critic is like garlic to a vampire.
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Create a New Inner Voice
If you want to defeat an enemy, you need to have a powerful ally on your side. It’s important at this juncture to create an even more powerful inner voice. One that is on your side and acts as your BFF.
To create this new voice, start noticing the good things about yourself. No matter what that nasty critic said about you, the truth is you have fantastic traits and abilities. Start focusing on those. Yes, it will be hard at first to let yourself see you in a positive light, but the more you do it, the easier it will get.
Life is short. To have the most fulfilling one possible, we have to stop wasting time on beating ourselves up. Take these 4 steps and learn to quiet that inner critic. Your best you is waiting to be celebrated.
Some people’s inner critic is stronger than others. Sometimes the greatest ally you can have in your corner is an impartial third-party, a therapist who can see you for who you really are.
If you or a loved one could use some help defeating your inner critic and would like to explore therapy, get in touch with a counselor on our team. We would be happy to speak with you about how we might be able to help.
by Ericka Martin, LMHC, LPC | PTSD, Trauma
Over the past several years, there have been numerous traumatic events making news all across the country. From incidents of mass violence to devastating natural disasters, hundreds of thousands of Americans have experienced or witnessed a disastrous or life-threatening event. In addition to tragedies such as these, anyone who has experienced a shocking or dangerous incident (such as a car accident, a robbery, an act of violence, or sexual abuse) is at risk of developing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
PTSD is a serious mental disorder that requires medical treatment. PTSD can have devastating effects on every aspect of a person’s life, from their marriage and family, to their friendships and career. If you’re concerned that a loved one may be suffering from PTSD, here are some signs to look out for.
Reliving the Trauma
Someone with PTSD have repeated, involuntary re-experiences of the event or intrusive thoughts about it. They may experience bad dreams or flashbacks. They’re also vulnerable to certain triggers that remind them of what happened, such as sounds or smells.
Angry Outbursts
Someone silently suffering from trauma may be prone to anger, agitation, or sadness. Feeling irritable, the sufferer may be prone to outbursts of anger that they can’t control. If you’ve noticed your loved one frequently losing control and lashing out in anger, this is a sign that they’re suffering emotionally and require treatment.
Withdrawal
People suffering from PTSD will avoid people and situations that are reminders of the situation. As the victim continues to isolate themselves, how their friends and family react to their withdrawal will likely further isolate them, causing additional emotional distress.
Numbing
It’s not uncommon for people with PTSD to self-medicate, seeking an escape from high levels of stress and difficult emotions. Some may keep themselves so busy they don’t have time to think or feel. Others might numb with food or sleep. Others turn to drugs or alcohol, which leads to risk of addiction. The painful trademark of substance abuse is the growing need for more of the drug to produce the same high. If left untreated, as substance abuse grows, the abuse will turn to addiction and eventually dependence. This can have devastating effects on every facet of a person’s life.
If you’re concerned that a loved one is experiencing symptoms of trauma, the most important think you can do is encourage them to seek professional diagnosis and treatment as soon as possible. Assure them of your support throughout the process.
For additional guidance and recommendations from a licensed professional, call our office today. We have licensed counselors available to help with trauma processing, including counselors that use evidenced-based approaches such as EMDR and Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy for Trauma.
by Ericka Martin, LMHC, LPC | Depression, Grief
Losing a loved one is one of the most painful tragedies that humans suffer. The impact of this loss is often crushing, and in the aftermath of loss, we often feel like we have no control over anything. Grief is a natural response to loss. It’s perfectly normal to detach yourself from your normal existence to grieve.
But what happens when grief persists when it’s time to return to work? Unfortunately, life responsibilities go on, no matter how sad you feel.
Returning to work while grieving is quite tough! You will need to figure out how to be productive, even as your thoughts are interrupted by waves of grief and remembrance. In addition to your own feelings, you may also need to deal with your colleagues who may start to act differently around you because they don’t know how to comfort you.
You may not be able to control every wave of emotion, or how everyone else acts, but you can make your return to work while grieving a little easier. From dealing with awkward conversations to accomplishing tasks, here are a few tips to help you navigate your work life while grieving.
COPING WITH GRIEF AT WORK
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Have an honest conversation with your employer- Be frank with your employer, and let them know your struggles. Explain that you might not operate at an optimal level for a while. Tell them exactly what you need, so they can help you. Ask for mental health days, work from home opportunities or anything else that you need while you grieve.
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Focus on doing- It might be tempting to shut down and do nothing, but trying to be productive and crossing tasks off your checklists can distract you and prevent you from being consumed by painful feelings.
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Ask for help- People generally want to help those who are grieving but don’t know exactly how to go about it. Don’t be ashamed to ask your colleagues for help. Instead of insisting that everything is great, tell them what you need. They’d be happy to pick up your workload, so you can focus more on healing.
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Create a sanctuary- Find a quiet place to retreat to when things get a little too much, and you just want to have a good cry. It could be your car, or a room where people don’t go into often.
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Carry tissues- You might find yourself crying a lot when you least expect it. Keep tissues handy, so you can clean your tears or runny nose when you’re done.
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If all else fails, request leave- If you have been at your job for over a year, and your employer has 50 or more employees, you may qualify for the Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA). FMLA is a federally mandated leave for those unable to work due to a debilitating health condition (yes, at times, the depression that comes with grief can be quite disabling). Medical certification is required to qualify for this unpaid leave–a conversation you’d need to have with your doctor.
Always remember that grief is an important step to healing, in the wake of a loved one’s death. When you get back to work, be honest about how you feel with yourself and others. Don’t try to rush the mourning process. Everyone experiences grief differently. If you’ve lost someone in your inner circle, feelings of grief may last a long time. Be patient with yourself and the feelings that come your way.
It can help to see a grief counselor or therapist if you feel like you need assistance coping with your emotions. It is a sign of strength to ask for support when you are hurting. If you’d like help processing grief or deciding about your return to work, a counselor with Star Meadow Counseling is available to help.
by Ericka Martin, LMHC, LPC | Anxiety, Coping
The hard work and unpredictability that makes parenting so rewarding can also cause a great deal of anxiety. Here are some simple ways to bring yourself to a place of calm.
Make a To-Do List
Ruminating on worries can cause lots of stress. Clear your mind by making a to-do list. Put down everything that needs to be done into your phone or onto a sheet of paper, and as you write them down, visualize yourself removing this task from your mind onto the list.
Watch Your Language
Many times parents believe things will get better when their children move on to the next phase of their maturity. However, the truth is that the worry will continue until you change your pattern of thought. To do this, watch the language you use to describe things. Don’t use phrases such as, “this will be a disaster if I don’t get it done on time” or “I’ll die of embarrassment if I forget.”
Also change thoughts of “I have to” to “I want to”. For example, instead of saying “I have to sign the kids up for karate” say, “I want to sign the kids up for karate because I know they’ll love it.”
Get Some Fresh Air
There’s nothing like some fresh air and sunlight to ease anxiety. Put your baby in a stroller and go for a walk around the block, to a neighbor’s house, or a local park. Take your kids to an outdoor mall or sit on the patio of a frozen yogurt shop and share a frozen treat. You can also try your local library. Some libraries also have outdoor patio areas where you can read with your kids.
Practice Mindfulness Exercises
If your anxiety is difficult to control, try deep-breathing from your belly. While you do this, concentrate on five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell and one thing you can taste. This can help calm you when you’re feeling a panic or anxiety attack start to arise.
Use Your Support Network
Call your friends or family to chat or ask for advice. It may also help to vent with a Facebook parenting group or other online message board. You can also call your therapist and make an appointment and work through your challenges.
Try these tips to control and cope with your anxiety, and enjoy the time with your children free from worry.
If you find your anxiety to be impacting your ability to be a happy, successful parent, it might be time to speak with a professional counselor who can help. Please contact us today to schedule an appointment.
by Ericka Martin, LMHC, LPC | Self Worth
Fear of failure causes us to put the brakes on our life. When we’re so afraid of failing at something, we either don’t try at all, or we subconsciously undermine our own efforts to avoid an even bigger failure. Without question, fear of failure is immobilizing and, when we allow it to dictate our choices and sit on the sidelines, we miss great opportunities and potential for success.
Signs of Fear of Failure
While none of us like to fail at anything, how do you know if your fear is an actual phobia (called “atychiphobia”) and one that is likely limiting your life? Here are some signs to watch for:
- A reluctance to try new things
- Self-sabotage in the form of procrastination or failure to follow through with goals
- Low self-esteem or self-confidence
The thing to remember with failure is, it’s all a matter of perspective. We are the ones who ultimately decide how we want to think about failure. We have two choices. We can either think of failure as:
- ‘Proof’ of inadequacy, or…
- An awesome learning experience
When we fail, we are given powerful lessons that help us to grow as people. In this way failure is like manure – some people see it as a nutrient-rich fertilizer while others see it as a pile of, well, you get the idea.
The bottom line is, failure stops us only if we let it. Did you know Michael Jordan, widely considered the greatest basket player of all time, was cut from his high school basketball team because his coach didn’t think he had enough skills? Jordan could have let fear of future failure stop him from becoming a legend, but he didn’t.
You don’t have to let fear of failure stop you from becoming a legend in your own life. Here are some ways you can cope:
Separate Your Identity from Failure
Most of us blur the lines between a personal failure and our overall identify. Just because you haven’t tasted success yet doesn’t mean you’re a failure. Making failure personal can take a toll on your self-esteem and confidence.
Rely on Logic, Not Emotions
As I mentioned, you can learn an awful lot from failure, but in order to do so you have to look at the failure logically, even analytically, suspending emotions of regret, frustration and anger. Become a scientist and ask yourself questions: Why did you fail? Was the failure totally out of your control? What might have led to a different outcome?
Don’t Give Your Power to Other People
Fear of failure is often rooted in a need to seek approval from others. We fear if we fail, we will be harshly judged by others and lose their respect. But when we care more about what other people think of us, we give our power away. What other people think about you is not necessarily the truth about you.
Sometimes when our fear of failure is so great, it helps to talk to someone who can help you gain a new perspective on it. Seeking guidance from a therapist may be just what you need to tackle your fear of failure and live the life you were meant to live.
If you or a loved one is interested in exploring treatment, please contact us today. We would be happy to speak with you about how a counselor on our team may be able to help.
