How to Gear Up for an Awkward Conversation

How to Gear Up for an Awkward Conversation

Years ago, I was the guitarist in a rock band. Well, okay, the term “rock band” might be a bit of an exaggeration. It was really a group of fresh-faced college students playing children’s music at local parks. The trouble was, our drummer had just learned some fancy new fills and was throwing off the beat–repeatedly, in every single song.

Ever the “nice” kid, I recall being wracked with anxiety as I prepared to confront the drummer. I waited passively first, hoping he would figure out on his own that he was the one messing things up. When that didn’t do the trick, I knew it was time to say something.

It was around that time that one of my mentors taught me how to use “I”-Statements, which forever changed the way I approach awkward conversations, and allowed me to find the words for opening up to the drummer.

 

“I”-STATEMENTS

“I”-Statements are an approach to confrontation that allows the person doing the confronting to take ownership for their own thoughts, feelings, and needs. Not surprisingly, “I”-statements typically start with the word “I.” Here are some example “I”-Statement sentence starters:

  • I noticed…
  • I feel… (and you have to use an actual emotion word here!)
  • What I’d like is…

In contrast, “You”-statements put the blame on the other person, setting into motion the type of defensiveness that often escalates a confrontation into a fight. A typical “You”-statement might sound something like– “Drummer dude, you’re screwing up our rhythm!” That approach would probably not have lead to anything constructive and may have damaged band cohesion.

Instead, an I-statement allows me to express how I’m being impacted and what I need. For example: “Drummer dude, I noticed myself struggling to keep a steady strumming rhythm during those transitions when you’re using the new drum fills. I’ve felt lost during those parts. What I’d like is to hold off on using the new fills until we can get in sync with our rhythm in practice.”

 

Sometimes, an “I”-statement doesn’t feel like quite enough, especially when the awkward conversation you are preparing is particularly hard for someone to hear.

Let’s be real! Being on the receiving end of feedback can be uncomfortable, exposing, and make us feel vulnerable! Most of us have a natural defensive mechanism that steps in when those feelings come up while someone is giving feedback. That defensiveness can come across as denying, blaming, excusing, or ignoring. When you’re anticipating defensiveness in your awkward conversation, the “Empathy Sandwich” technique might come in handy.

 

 EMPATHY SANDWICH

A palatable confrontation is like a bologna sandwich.

  • The top slice of bread is an empathy statement. You can demonstrate empathy (which helps soften your confrontation) by showing that you understand where the other person is coming from. You put yourself in their shoes. For example: “You’ve been so excited to try out the new drum fills you’re learning!”

 

  • The bologna is the meat of the confrontation– the main point you’re hoping they hear. “I noticed myself struggling to keep a steady strumming rhythm during those transitions when you’re using the new fills. I’ve felt lost during those parts. What I’d like is to hold off on using the new fills until we can get in sync with our rhythm in practice.”

 

  • The bottom slice of bread is another empathy statement. “I understand why you’ve been so motivated to try the new fills! You’ve got that battle of the drummers competition coming up and you’re worried you might not be ready!”

 

The empathy sandwich technique might not work so well if the “meat” of your sandwich has too many layers. Do your best to stick to the point. What do you most want them to hear? If you throw in the kitchen sink, they will likely miss the point.

The empathy sandwich technique works best when the empathy statements you choose assume the best in the other person, are non-judgmental, and reflect your sense of how the other person is feeling.

 

FEEDBACK GUIDELINES

 In her book, “Daring Greatly,” Brene Brown provides a checklist that a person can use to gauge whether or not they are ready to give feedback.

“I know I am ready to give feedback when–

  • I’m ready to sit next to you rather than across from you;
  • I’m willing to put the problem in front of us rather than between us (or sliding it toward you)
  • I’m ready to listen, ask questions and accept that I may not fully understand the issue;
  • I want to acknowledge what you do well instead of picking apart your mistakes;
  • I recognize your strengths and how you can use them to address your challenges;
  • I can hold you accountable without shaming or blaming you;
  • I’m willing to own my part;
  • I can genuinely thank you for your efforts rather than criticize you for your failings;
  • I can talk about how resolving these challenges will lead to your growth and opportunity; and
  • I can model the vulnerability and openness that I can expect from you. (p.204, Daring Greatly)”

 

A printed version of Brene Brown’s checklist can be found at her website.

 

If you’d like support gearing up for an awkward conversation, a counselor at Star Meadow Counseling is available to help!

 

 

REFERENCES

Brown, B. (2017). Engaged Feedback Checklist. Retrieved May 28, 2018, from https://brenebrown.com/downloads/engaged-feedback-checklist/

10 Places to Relax around Vancouver, WA

10 Places to Relax around Vancouver, WA

Are you exhausted by the burden of responsibilities you’ve been shouldering? Do you need a break or a breather, even if it’s just for a few moments? Self-care is an essential component of survival in this busy world! All of us need moments when we can slow down and recharge.

Here are some places, all nearby around Vancouver, WA or Portland, OR where you might find reprieve:

 

  1. Ridgefield Wildlife Refuge

Located just north of Vancouver in Ridgefield, WA, the Ridgefield Wildlife Refuge contains 5300 acres of natural habitats, alive with birds and other animals–all native species. The Refuge offers walking trails and an auto route you can tour in your car. When I visited, I saw a juvenile bald eagle, great blue herons, and nutria (beaver-like critters) all in one 30 minute drive!

  1. Hulda Klager Lilac Gardens

The annual “Lilac Days” garden is open from April 21- May 13th 2018. You’ll be surrounded by the scents and sights of lilacs in full bloom in this stunning walkable garden. These aren’t just ordinary lilacs, but specialty varieties hybridized by Mrs. Klager during her life’s work. The Lilac Gardens are located in Woodland WA.

  1. Waterfront Renaissance Trail

The Waterfront Renaissance Trail is a 5-mile stretch of paved trail along the Columbia River. It connects Esther Short Park and Wintler Community Park. You’ll find awe-inspiring views of Mt. Hood and find peace as you sit on a bench and watch the water slowly move by.

  1. Wintler Community Park

Looking for a place to swim outdoors in the summer time? Or get some sun on the riverside beach? Wintler Community Park is the perfect place in Vancouver for summertime relaxation. It’s great for picnicking too!

  1. Salmon Creek Regional Park/Trail/Klineline Pond

The Salmon Creek Regional Park has it all–a spash pad for children to play, miles of paved walking/running/biking trails, roped swimming areas with lifeguard on duty during the summer, a plethora of picnic benches, and a pond perfect for wildlife viewing. It’s an ideal getaway if you’re looking for something close to the city of Vancouver that makes you feel like you’re miles away.

  1. Esther Short Park Summer Concert Series

Do you relax best to the sound of music? Every summer, free concerts are available to the community in downtown Vancouver, WA at Esther Short Park. Experience a variety of musical tastes, including jazz, bluegrass, rock, country, and even a symphony orchestra. A separate venue of free concerts will take place at the Columbia Tech Center in eastern Vancouver, WA.

  1. Vancouver Lake Park

Looking to relax on the water? Try canoeing, windsurfing, or kayaking on Vancouver Lake Park located on the west side of Vancouver, WA. This expansive park also offers sand volleyball, playground equipment, and a paved walking trail. It’s a beautiful place to slow down and connect with nature!

  1. Pearson Air Museum

Perhaps getting up close with history is your idea of relaxation. The Pearson Air Museum in Vancouver, WA is open for tours Tuesday through Saturday, 9am-5pm. The museum is a slow-paced experience of ingenuity, showcasing aircraft as it transformed and developed over time.

  1. The Columbia Gorge Riverboat

If you have time (and money) for a longer excursion, a cruise along the Columbia River might be just what you need. You can select a cruise that best fits your interest– Are you interested in seeing the sights along the Columbia River gorge? Or are you more interested in learning about the history of the Lewis & Clark Expedition or about Native American legends?

  1. Powell’s City of Books

Maybe your idea of relaxation is getting lost in a good book. Powell’s bookstore in Portland, OR has a collection of books like nowhere else, boasting over two million books in inventory, a vast diversity of literature of every kind. A visit to Powell’s is not like visiting other book stores. It is truly an immersive experience, offering a fun kind of break from the rigors of day-to-day life.

 

If you need help relaxing, especially if it feels like anxiety has a hold on you, a counselor with Star Meadow Counseling is available to help. You can call us at 360-952-3070 or email us at info@starmeadowcounseling.com to schedule an appointment.

5 Tricks for Falling Asleep

5 Tricks for Falling Asleep

Are you one of the 30% of Americans that have had bouts with insomnia? Do you get less than the recommended 7-9 hours of sleep each night (or 8-10 hours for teens)?

Sleep loss can have profound impacts on a body’s physical and emotional health. Bad sleep can increase irritability, lower mood, cloud concentration, and increase stress. If you are tired of being tired, it might be time to try something new to help you get back on track with a steady sleep schedule.

In this article, we will unpack a toolkit of coping strategies for helping you get to sleep and stay asleep with greater ease.

 

PART 1: UNDERSTAND YOUR JOB AND TURN DOWN THE PRESSURE

Do any of these nighttime thoughts sound familiar– “I should be asleep right now.” “Why can’t I just sleep??”

We beat ourselves up for not being able to go to sleep, as if it is in our power to make that happen.

MYTH: It’s my job at nighttime to fall asleep.

FACT: I CAN’T make myself fall asleep. It’s my job to relax.

The thoughts that express frustration about sleeplessness only increase heart-rate and make sleep more elusive. Take the pressure off by telling yourself that your body will go to sleep when it is ready. You are not abnormal for having struggles with sleep. Talk back to the catastrophic thoughts telling you that you’ll fail at work/school/life if you don’t get a good night’s sleep. That is rarely true and only amplifies pressure and keeps you awake. A counselor can help you change the negative thoughts about sleep and wakefulness that are keeping you stuck.

TIP: Stop clock-watching. Every time you look at the clock, you do math in your head, counting the number of hours you have left to sleep. This ramps up obsessive thoughts, making relaxation and sleep more difficult. Try covering your nightstand alarm clock with a towel.

 

PART 2: SLOW DOWN YOUR THOUGHTS

Night tends to be the time of day when worried, anxious thoughts come to life. Some people find themselves laying in bed for hours with racing thoughts, worries about their to-do list for tomorrow, ruminating thoughts rehashing what happened earlier today, and concern for other looming unknowns.

If this describes you, try out a “Mind Dump” exercise. Grab a notebook (or a simple piece of paper) and write down all of the worries on your mind, as quickly as possible. Don’t stop to organize the thoughts, check spelling, or edit. Write down all of your worries, even if they seem too ridiculous to put on a page. A “Mind Dump” helps to contain worries so you don’t have to hold them in your head. It will help you rest peacefully, knowing you have a written memory aid for addressing those concerns in the morning when your mind is alert and better able to problem-solve.

 

PART 3: SLOW DOWN YOUR BODY

The skill of “slowing” can be done both before getting in bed and after you are in bed.

Beforehand, choose activities before bed that decrease heart-rate and help you feel calm. Examples of such activities might include reading a book, practicing meditation, taking a bath, working on a puzzle, or something else you find relaxing. Pay attention to how your body feels in the 2 hours before bedtime and adjust evening activities accordingly. Perhaps watching those episodes of “Stranger Things” or “Walking Dead” are not as calming as you’d think.

Caution: TV and other screens can emit blue light that disrupts your body’s ability to wind down at night. If your device allows, turn on a blue light filter to prevent this interruption to your circadian regulation.

Once in bed, there are a number of relaxation skills you can implement to help you ease into sleep.

PART 4: CREATE A POSITIVE ASSOCIATION BETWEEN YOUR BED AND SLEEP

Following the protocols of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia (CBT-I), which research indicates may be more effective than medications in the long-term, your bed should be a sacred place for sleep and intimacy. That means that your bed is not the place for you to read books, watch TV, do work, or to WORRY. The goal is to re-train your brain to associate your bed with sleep so you can fall asleep within minutes. The rules are clear:

  • Do not spend time in your bedroom when you are not sleeping
  • Get out of bed after 20-30 minutes if you aren’t falling asleep
  • Do not return to bed until you feel sleepy
  • Don’t compensate for sleep loss on the weekends

 

Book Recommendation: “Quiet Your Mind and Get to Sleep: Solutions to Insomnia for those with Depression, Anxiety, or Chronic Pain” by Colleen Carney and Rachel Manber provides some excellent CBT-i focused resources and tracking tools.

 

PART 5: AVOID SELF-MEDICATING

Wouldn’t it be nice if your body had an OFF switch, where you could flip it to SLEEP MODE as easily as you do you desktop computer? That’s most certainly what people are searching for when they try out quick fixes (substances, over-the-counter medications, etc.). Despite the promise of a good night’s sleep, some of these options come with risks, including the potential for them to become habit forming. Some, like benzodiazepines, come with more scary potential side effects, including a substantially increased risk for developing dementia.

Those that use alcohol to lull themselves to sleep, might find themselves with some unintended consequences. According to the National Sleep Foundation, alcohol blocks REM sleep, can interrupt your circadian rhythm, and, since alcohol is a diuretic, can wake you up in the middle of the night for a bathroom break.

 

If you need help with recurring insomnia, a counselor can help you customize a back-to-sleep toolkit just for you and your unique sleep struggles.

How to Cope with Stress & Loss around the Holidays

How to Cope with Stress & Loss around the Holidays

For some, the “most wonderful season of the year” is anything but wonderful. Any number of things can make this season challenging:

  • Feelings of loneliness
  • Worry about how family members will get along
  • Missing a loved one that is no longer with you
  • Guilt about indulging in holiday foods
  • Financial burdens of the holiday season
  • The gloomy, rainy, cold Pacific Northwest weather
  • Busyness
  • And the list goes on!

For those that are struggling this season, we’ve put together a list of coping ideas may help you get through the holidays with greater ease.

 

DEALING WITH STRESS

Stress is a major reason why people come to counseling this time of year. Here are some tips for managing holiday anxiety:

 

ADDRESS THE HAVE-TO’S

Every family has a unique culture and a unique list of holiday “have-to’s.” It is those “have-to’s” that create a sense of obligation, duty, and sometimes dread. Have you ever paused to ask yourself– “Do I really have to?” “Would anything awful happen if I didn’t?” “What are the reasons why I’ve indulged these “have-to’s” in the past?” Weigh out the pros and cons and give yourself permission to evaluate their necessity thoughtfully. Maybe you will still decide to follow through again this year, but at least it will be done choicefully, not from obligation.

 

ATTEMPT HEALTHY COMMUNICATION

Relationship conflict brings tension and anxiety during the holidays. Healthy communication involves two key components: 1) Respect for others and 2) Respect for yourself. If your communication style is lacking in one or the other, you might find yourself adding fuel to family conflicts.

If you trend toward passive communication, you have a tendency to hold back what you are really needing and stay quiet until you reach a breaking point. You tend to say “yes” to everything, only to complain about it behind someone’s back. Attuned family members can tell that you are resentful, despite your best efforts to pretend everything is okay. Be respectful of yourself by expressing your needs, saying “no” when you can, and honoring what you feel. It’s okay to be aware of your needs and say them out loud.

If you trend toward aggressive communication (criticism, snide remarks, put-downs, yelling, etc.), someone else’s needs and feelings might get bull-dozed right over, leading to escalations in arguments and family tension. Help communication move more smoothly by listening attentively. Listening is not the same as agreeing. Try summing up what you’ve heard someone say without judgement.

 

TAKE A BREAK

If you are operating at a break-neck pace to get all of your holiday tasks accomplished, you might be missing out on the beauty found in moments of slowing. Literally stop and smell the roses (or poinsettias). Use your 5 senses to practice being in the present moment. Those with introverted personalities should be especially mindful of taking social breaks during extended family visits. It’s okay to take a 20 minute bathroom break or walk around the block to recharge your social battery.

 

HOLD ON TO HEALTHY HABITS

 

HOLIDAY FOODS

Many of us look forward to holiday foods all year long. There aren’t many other times of year we make pumpkin pie, eggnog, or tree-shaped sugar cookies! The smells and tastes of the holidays bring richness to the season. Exposure to these foods can be stressful, however, if you have inner conflicts with food or discomfort with your body. If you’re still on the diet-train, this time of year can be especially riddled with guilt and shame with any indulgence. If this yearly battle sounds familiar, now might be the time to learn about Intuitive Eating, a non-diet approach to food that honors your body’s hunger, fullness, and satiety needs. A trained counselor can help you build a healthier relationship with food (and your body) so you can enjoy holiday favorites in a way that respects your body’s needs.

 

GET MOVING

Body movement (AKA exercise) can be an essential stress reliever during the bustle of the holiday season. If you are exercise-adverse, maybe it’s time to re-frame your idea of exercise. What would it be like for you to move your body in a way that feels joyful? Fun? Awe-inspiring? Strong? Or Energizing? Break out of the box and ask the question–When was the last time I had “FUN” moving my body? Maybe you were chopping wood, or hiking the woods at night, or dancing salsa. Whatever it is, put it into your schedule this winter.

 

COPING WITH GRIEF & LOSS

 

If you are enduring the holiday season without someone you love, this season can trigger intense grief, loneliness, and sadness. You might be missing your loved one deeply and the special moments shared together. There’s no quick fix for these feelings of grief, but here are some ideas that might help:

  • Go easy on yourself. You might not have the energy to host, entertain, or go through the motions of all of the usual holiday traditions. That’s okay.
  • Honor the person that you’ve lost. Don’t be afraid to reminisce, look at old photos, cook their favorite holiday meal, or even attend a local “Longest Night” or “Celeration of Remembrance” service.
  • Keep one tradition and add one tradition. There’s no doubting that this holiday will be different from the last. Embrace that and don’t be afraid to try one thing new.
  • Seek professional help. If you aren’t already meeting with a counselor, there’s no better time than the present.

If you’re experiencing stress or sadness around the holidays, a counselor at Star Meadow Counseling is available to help. You can reach us at 360-952-3070 or schedule an appointment online at www.starmeadowcounseling.com