Breaking Free From Rumination After a Narcissistic Relationship

Breaking Free From Rumination After a Narcissistic Relationship

by | Anxiety, Relationships, Self-Esteem, Trauma

If you’ve ever found yourself replaying old conversations, imagining what you should have said, or wondering if it was all somehow your fault, you’re not alone. This mental loop is called rumination, and it can pull you out of your present life and drop you right back into the past. It is actually a very common experience for those who have been in narcissistic relationships, sometimes even months or years after the relationship has ended.

The impact does not stop with thoughts about the relationship itself. Rumination can spill into other areas of your life, leading you to second-guess everyday decisions. You might question what you like or do not like, hesitate over career choices, or even feel unsure about simple things like what to wear. When your inner world has been shaped by constant doubt and gaslighting, it is no surprise that self-trust feels shaky long after the relationship is over.

You may also find yourself wondering, why do I keep going back? Why can’t I just move on? That frustration is part of the rumination trap, feeling stuck between knowing what happened was harmful and still getting pulled into the loop of trying to make sense of it.

 

What This Rumination Looks Like

Rumination often sounds like:

  • “Maybe it was me.”
  • “I didn’t explain myself clearly enough.”
  • “Maybe if I just changed…”
  • “If I could just say this one thing, maybe it would change.”
  • “If only I could just get them to see what they did.”
  • “We had some good moments, too. Was I just being too sensitive?”

These are all the classic questions and thoughts for those caught in rumination, being stuck in mental loops, replaying scenarios, imagining how things could have been better, or waiting for the day the other person finally notices the pain they caused.

 

Why Rumination May Be Happening

Narcissistic people are skilled at planting doubt and leaving you without true closure or understanding. Leaving you feeling like you are never right, and you are meant to doubt yourself. They are both skilled and unwilling to admit that they are doing this. It is highly unlikely that this person is ever going to hold themselves accountable or acknowledge the harm they caused. You could play out many scenarios in your head, and the outcome would be the same: “you lose”

Family of origin dynamics can deepen this pattern too. If you grew up around gaslighting or criticism, it is easy to keep chasing validation that may never come. These earlier messages can build in a narrative around self-doubting and difficulty with trusting how you really feel.

 

Breaking From the Cycle of Rumination

You cannot fix the unfixable, but you can take steps to loosen rumination’s grip. Dr. Ramani suggests the following tips, and if you want to dive deeper I encourage you to watch the video listed below and explore more of her content. She is a specialist in narcissistic abuse and recovery.

  • Distraction List: Helpful shifts that can take you away from your thoughts and ruminations: a change of scene, engaging in a fun hobby, going for a walk, or calling a friend. These small actions can help reset the mind and give you space away from the loop.
  • Mindfulness Practice: Anchor yourself in the present by tuning into what is around you: sights, sounds, and sensations.
  • Realistic Recall: I like to describe this as making the painful events of abuse more tangible instead of being caught in only the “good moments.” Writing down the difficult times can help keep a clear picture of what actually happened.
  • Joyful Defiance: This is about actively defying the restrictions that relationship placed on you. Do the very things you were not allowed to do, whether it is wearing certain clothes, laughing too loud, or exploring new hobbies. Each act of joyful defiance is a way of reclaiming your life and your sense of self.

 

Final Thoughts

Rumination convinces you that if you think hard enough, or if you finally say the perfect thing, you will land on the explanation that makes sense. But healing and reclaiming yourself does not come from being caught in the problem solving and confusing puzzle the narcissist has planted. It comes from recognizing the game and the manipulation, and choosing to step out of it. Little by little, you can shift your focus from replaying the past to reclaiming your present.

If you think this pertains to you or you resonate with what you have read, Ellen Bass specializes in helping people reclaim their lives after narcissistic and emotional abuse. She supports individuals in rebuilding self-trust, finding clarity, and creating space for healing and growth.

Resources:

 

 

Climate Anxiety

Climate Anxiety

by | Sep 10, 2024 |

Hope, Action, and Climate Advocacy “I thought I couldn’t make a difference because I was too small.” -Greta Thunberg   We live in the age of information, which means it is increasingly difficult to limit one’s access to breaking news. More and more we are seeing...

Window of Tolerance 101

Window of Tolerance 101

by | Aug 15, 2024 | , ,

Strengthening Coping Strategies Widening the Window of Tolerance The more adept we become at coping with distress, the more we strengthen our ability to experience the here-and-now sense of safety in therapy as we face our pain. When your therapist helps you ground,...

Overcoming Perfectionism with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)

Overcoming Perfectionism with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)

by | Anxiety, Self Acceptance, Self Worth, Self-Esteem

Perfectionism is often celebrated in our society, but for many, it can become an overwhelming burden. When perfectionism takes over, it can lead to constant self-criticism, avoidance of challenges, and a deep fear of failure. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) offers powerful tools to help people struggling with perfectionism find relief and regain balance. By focusing on mindfulness, acceptance, and value-driven action, ACT provides a path toward overcoming the rigid standards that keep perfectionism alive.

Understanding Perfectionism through an ACT Lens

ACT views perfectionism as a product of rigid thinking patterns and avoidance behaviors. These patterns often center around unhelpful thoughts like, “I’m not good enough,” or “I have to be flawless to be worthy.” In ACT, such thoughts are seen as part of human experience, not facts or truths that must dictate behavior. Instead of trying to eliminate these thoughts, ACT teaches clients to change their relationship with them, reducing their power and influence.

Two key ACT skills that are particularly useful for addressing perfectionism are cognitive defusion and emotion expansion (also known as acceptance). Let’s explore how these skills can help individuals break free from perfectionistic traps.

Cognitive Defusion: Unhooking from Perfectionistic Thoughts

Cognitive defusion involves creating distance between you and your thoughts so they don’t control your actions. Perfectionistic thoughts often show up as harsh self-judgments, catastrophic predictions, or rigid rules. For example:

  • “If I can’t do it perfectly, I shouldn’t do it at all.”

  • “Everyone will judge me if I make a mistake.”

  • “I’ll never be good enough no matter how hard I try.”

Instead of getting caught up in these thoughts, cognitive defusion helps you observe them for what they are: just thoughts. Here are a few practical strategies for cognitive defusion:

  • Label your thoughts: When a perfectionistic thought arises, label it by saying, “I’m having the thought that I’ll fail,” instead of “I’ll fail.” This small shift reminds you that thoughts are not facts.

  • Thank your mind: When your inner critic speaks up, respond with humor and gratitude: “Thanks, mind, for trying to keep me safe, but I’ve got this.”

  • Imagine your thoughts as external objects: Picture your perfectionistic thoughts as leaves floating down a stream or words written in the sand. This visualization can help you let them come and go without getting stuck.

Cognitive defusion doesn’t aim to make the thoughts disappear but to reduce their power. With practice, you can learn to notice perfectionistic thoughts without letting them dictate your choices.

Emotion Expansion: Making Space for Discomfort

Perfectionism often stems from a desire to avoid uncomfortable emotions, such as anxiety, shame, or fear of failure. In ACT, emotion expansion involves accepting these emotions as part of the human experience rather than trying to suppress or escape them. By making space for discomfort, you can free yourself from the cycle of avoidance that perfectionism perpetuates.

Here’s how emotion expansion can help:

  • Name your emotions: When you’re feeling overwhelmed, pause and identify what you’re experiencing. For example: “This is anxiety,” or “I’m feeling shame right now.” Naming emotions can reduce their intensity and make them feel more manageable.

  • Breathe into the feeling: When discomfort arises, practice breathing deeply and imagining your breath flowing into the area of your body where you feel the emotion most strongly. This simple act can help you stay present with the sensation instead of resisting it.

  • Welcome emotions as visitors: Instead of viewing emotions as threats, try thinking of them as temporary visitors. Remind yourself: “This feeling won’t last forever.”

By expanding your capacity to sit with difficult emotions, you can take meaningful action even when perfectionistic fears are present.

Living a Value-Driven Life

At the heart of ACT is the concept of living a life aligned with your values. Perfectionism often leads people to prioritize external validation or unrealistic standards over what truly matters to them. By identifying and committing to your core values, you can shift your focus from “What will others think?” to “What do I want my life to stand for?”

Here’s how to start living a value-driven life:

  1. Identify your values: Reflect on what matters most to you. Is it creativity, connection, personal growth, or helping others? Write down the values that resonate with you.

  2. Set values-based goals: Instead of pursuing perfection, set goals that align with your values. For example, if connection is a value, focus on spending quality time with loved ones rather than striving to be the “perfect” friend or partner.

  3. Take committed action: Even when perfectionistic thoughts arise, practice taking small, values-aligned steps. For example, if fear of judgment is holding you back from sharing your work, remind yourself of your value of creativity and share it anyway.

Moving Beyond Perfectionism

Overcoming perfectionism is a journey, not a destination. With the tools of ACT, you can learn to unhook from unhelpful thoughts, embrace uncomfortable emotions, and live a life guided by your values rather than by fear. Perfectionism may still whisper in your ear, but it doesn’t have to steer your path. By practicing cognitive defusion, emotion expansion, and value-driven action, you can build a life that feels authentic, meaningful, and fulfilling.

If perfectionism is holding you back, consider reaching out to a therapist trained in ACT. With guidance and practice, you can break free from the grip of perfectionism and move toward a life of greater freedom and self-compassion.

Ready to take the first step? Contact our office today to schedule a consultation and explore how ACT can support you on your journey to a more balanced and fulfilling life.

Coping with Political Anxiety

Coping with Political Anxiety

by | Feb 4, 2025 | ,

Coping with Political Anxiety: How Therapy Can Help In today’s world, it’s nearly impossible to avoid the constant stream of political news. For many, staying informed is essential—but for others, the weight of political turmoil can become overwhelming, leading to...

Climate Anxiety

Climate Anxiety

by | Anxiety

Hope, Action, and Climate Advocacy

“I thought I couldn’t make a difference because I was too small.”

-Greta Thunberg

 

We live in the age of information, which means it is increasingly difficult to limit one’s access to breaking news. More and more we are seeing headlines about wildfire evacuation, record flooding, and heat waves. It is well-established that climate change is a threat to our physical health, and we are starting to see data about its negative impacts on mental health.

 

The term climate anxiety, or eco-anxiety, was first studied as a phenomenon in 2007, though began to receive more attention around 2017 after Greta Thunberg publicly spoke about her own anxiety relative to climate change. A September 2021 survey asked 10,000 respondents from ten countries across the world about their fears related to the environment and found that nearly 60 percent were either ‘very worried’ or ‘extremely worried’ about the climate. Climate anxiety is especially common among children and young adults. In some universities, over 70 percent of students described themselves as suffering from eco-anxiety. If this is something you have personally experienced, you are not alone.

 

Although the effects of climate change are far-reaching, it is important to note that advocacy at the individual level makes a difference. There is hope in knowing that climate anxiety is not a standalone mental health condition, largely because it is defined as an adaptable response to a distressing situation. Discomfort is a change agent and a motivator, though mindfulness is important. When anxiety turns into overwhelm, it can show up as conflict avoidance or a freeze response. This can lead to a sense of hopelessness about the future and about one’s own ability to make a difference.

 

If you are someone who experiences anxiety about the future of our home, and find yourself at a loss, below are some suggestions for sustainable advocacy –

 

1. Focus on what you can control

    • Research and participate in local organizations, initiatives, or volunteer opportunities

    • Write or call your legislators, encouraging them to act in defense of the environment

    • Consider ways you can engage in consumption more sustainably (composting/recycling)

    • Donate to organizations you care about, if you are able

    • Have conversations with your friends and family members about your thoughts and feelings

 

2. Avoid burnout

    • As stated earlier, anxiety when left uncared for can lead to overwhelm. Get curious about your own anxiety and take note of your freeze responses

    • Give yourself full permission to take breaks from the Internet to recuperate and practice self-care; this will allow you to avoid burnout and return to advocacy when you are able

 

3. Practice self-compassion

    • Remember: Your anxiety makes sense and is an adaptable response to an unsustainable situation. Consider ways you can mindfully process your emotions through journaling, talking with a therapist, physical movement, art, or gardening

    • Getting outside does wonders for our individual and collective mental health. Get curious about ways you can plant flowers, access hiking trails, or any other hobbies you enjoy that can be done outside. When you take care of yourself, you have internal resources to pull from when you feel called to take care of the world around you.

 

Ready to take the next step?

Contact us today to learn more about our Counseling services and how we can help you process climate anxiety. 

Window of Tolerance 101

Window of Tolerance 101

by | Aug 15, 2024 | , ,

Strengthening Coping Strategies Widening the Window of Tolerance The more adept we become at coping with distress, the more we strengthen our ability to experience the here-and-now sense of safety in therapy as we face our pain. When your therapist helps you ground,...

Get Outside For Your Brain

Get Outside For Your Brain

by | Anxiety, Coping, General

When I am among the trees,

Especially the willows and the honey locust,

Equally the beech, the oaks and the pines,

They give off such hints of gladness

I would almost say they save me, and daily.

Excerpt, “When I Am Among The Trees” by Mary Oliver

We live in a world that allows us immediate, constant access to Internet spaces. This offers us accessibility, economic opportunity, entertainment, cultural exchange, education, and productivity. However, for as many benefits as there are, we’re also presented with challenges – Cognitive overwhelm, social isolation, distraction. Worldwide, we spend an average of six hours and 40 minutes per day on screens, and we average five or fewer hours in nature per week.

 

Research shares with us a wealth of information about how nature is beneficial for our emotional and cognitive health. When we disconnect and get ourselves into nature, we are happier, perform better on tasks, feel more energized, and experience real-time, literal connection to the world around us. The biophilia hypothesis (“biophilia” literally means love of life or love of living systems) suggests that humans have an innate tendency to seek connection with nature and other forms of life. This hypothesis states that spending time in nature triggers a physiological response that lowers stress levels. We have many studies that show humans perform better on cognitive tasks while listening to nature audio, pausing to view nature scenes, and green spaces adjacent to schools boost cognitive development in children. We know that adults perform better on work-related tasks when they, too, have access to green spaces.

 

Nature helps us feel joy, we become more creative, and moving our bodies further supports the metabolization of emotion. Neuroimaging studies have shown that being in nature activates regions of the brain associated with empathy and emotion regulation.

 

Back to social media for a sec – It’s important to acknowledge that we often see posts in the Internet space about folks who mountain climb, backpack across countries, and live on sailboats. It’s easy to engage in comparison and think of ourselves as not doing enough when we aren’t able to participate in viral-video-worthy feats. But, the nervous system doesn’t discriminate between the leaf on the tree at the top of the mountain and the leaf on the tree outside of your home.

 

Nature is everywhere, and can be free or low-cost to access. Some ideas, just to name a few:

  1. Sitting next to an open window
  2. Reading a book outside
  3. Picnicking with a loved one or friend
  4. Water balloon fight!
  5. Birding
  6. Journaling outside
  7. Hopscotch
  8. Disc golfing
  9. Running and/or walking
  10. Stargazing
  11. Laying in the grass and watching the clouds
  12. Gardening
 
Consider setting a goal of increasing your time spent outside by ten minutes per week, and notice what shifts. Do you have more brain space? More space in your body for your breath? Slow down and see what happens.
 
 
Coping with Political Anxiety

Coping with Political Anxiety

by | Feb 4, 2025 | ,

Coping with Political Anxiety: How Therapy Can Help In today’s world, it’s nearly impossible to avoid the constant stream of political news. For many, staying informed is essential—but for others, the weight of political turmoil can become overwhelming, leading to...

Maintaining Sanity in a Work-Obsessed World

Maintaining Sanity in a Work-Obsessed World

by | Anxiety, Burnout

In today’s fast-paced world, the pressure to excel professionally often comes at the cost of our mental and physical well-being. Anxiety, a common companion in this journey, can lead to burnout if left unchecked. Burnout is not merely feeling tired or stressed; it’s a state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion caused by prolonged stress or excessive workload. As a mental health counselor, I’ve witnessed firsthand the detrimental effects of burnout on individuals’ lives. In this article, we’ll explore the risk factors for burnout, examine how our work-obsessed culture contributes to it, and discuss five essential strategies for finding balance and preventing burnout.

Understanding Burnout: Recognizing the Signs

Anxiety often serves as a precursor to burnout, signaling that something isn’t right. Persistent feelings of overwhelm, exhaustion, and cynicism towards work are typical signs. Physical symptoms like headaches, sleep disturbances, and digestive issues may also manifest. Ignoring these signs can exacerbate anxiety and lead to burnout.

The Impact of Capitalistic Culture

Our society often glorifies overwork and equates self-worth with productivity. This relentless pursuit of success can foster a toxic work environment, perpetuating anxiety and stress. The pressure to constantly perform and meet unrealistic expectations fuels the cycle of burnout. As a result, individuals may neglect their well-being in favor of career advancement, inadvertently sacrificing their mental health in the process.

Risk Factors for Burnout

Several factors increase the likelihood of experiencing burnout:

  1. High Workload: Excessive demands and tight deadlines can overwhelm individuals, contributing to anxiety and burnout.
  2. Lack of Control: Feeling powerless or micromanaged at work can amplify feelings of anxiety and stress.
  3. Poor Work-Life Balance: Difficulty disconnecting from work and maintaining boundaries between professional and personal life can lead to chronic stress.
  4. Lack of Social Support: Isolation and a lack of supportive relationships can exacerbate feelings of anxiety and burnout.
  5. Perfectionism: Striving for unattainable standards can create undue pressure and contribute to anxiety and burnout.
  6. Compulsive Tech Checking: Compulsively phone or email checking often coincides with work-related anxiety.

Strategies for Finding Balance

  1. Set Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries between work and personal life. Designate specific times for work-related tasks and prioritize self-care activities outside of work hours. Reassess your relationship with technology and take intentional tech breaks.
  2. Practice Self-Care: Prioritize activities that promote relaxation and rejuvenation, such as mindfulness, meditation, hobbies, and spending time with loved ones.
  3. Seek Support: Cultivate a strong support network of friends, family, or colleagues who can offer encouragement and understanding during challenging times.
  4. Manage Time Effectively: Break tasks into manageable chunks, prioritize responsibilities, and delegate when possible. Avoid overcommitting and learn to say no when necessary.
  5. Cultivate Resilience: Develop coping strategies to manage stress and adversity effectively. Build resilience through practices like positive self-talk and reframing challenges as opportunities for growth.

Recognizing the Need for a Leave

Sometimes, despite our best efforts to prevent burnout, it becomes clear that a break from work is necessary for our well-being. Signs that you may need to take a leave include persistent physical symptoms, such as chronic headaches or digestive issues, worsening anxiety or depression, and difficulty concentrating or making decisions. If you find that your work performance is suffering, or if you’re experiencing frequent conflicts with colleagues or clients, it may be time to prioritize your mental health and take a step back from work.

Nurturing Well-Being in a Competitive World

In a society that often prioritizes productivity over well-being, it’s essential to prioritize self-care and establish boundaries to prevent burnout. By recognizing the signs of anxiety and taking proactive steps to address them, individuals can cultivate a healthier relationship with work and find balance in their lives. Remember, your worth is not defined by your productivity, and prioritizing your well-being is not selfish—it’s necessary for sustainable success and fulfillment. So, take a moment to pause, breathe, and nurture your mental health. Your future self will thank you for it.

If you’re looking for a counselor to help you find work/life balance, contact us today to schedule an appointment.

Climate Anxiety

Climate Anxiety

by | Sep 10, 2024 |

Hope, Action, and Climate Advocacy “I thought I couldn’t make a difference because I was too small.” -Greta Thunberg   We live in the age of information, which means it is increasingly difficult to limit one’s access to breaking news. More and more we are seeing...

Get Outside For Your Brain

Get Outside For Your Brain

by | May 10, 2024 | , ,

When I am among the trees, Especially the willows and the honey locust, Equally the beech, the oaks and the pines, They give off such hints of gladness I would almost say they save me, and daily. Excerpt, "When I Am Among The Trees" by Mary Oliver We live in a world...

What is your “Why”? Core Values Exercises for Anxiety Resiliency

What is your “Why”? Core Values Exercises for Anxiety Resiliency

by | Anxiety, Motivation, Self Acceptance

Anxiety often prompts us to steer clear of situations that trigger fear, causing many to shrink their lives to avoid such triggers. However, understanding and embracing our core values can provide a light through the darkness of anxiety and help us reconnect with a full, engaged life without avoiding the things that scare us. In this guide, we’ll explore how to recognize and integrate our values using principles from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). By anchoring ourselves in our values, we can navigate anxiety with resilience and purpose.

 

Understanding Values:

Values are the guiding principles that define what truly matters to us in life. They represent our deepest desires and aspirations, guiding our decisions and actions. When anxiety strikes, it can be easy to lose sight of these values. However, by connecting with our values, we can find clarity and direction amidst the chaos. Here’s how to identify your values:

 

  • Reflect on Meaningful Experiences: Take a moment to reflect on past experiences when you felt most fulfilled and aligned with your values. These moments often occur during times of challenge or adversity, highlighting the importance of our values in guiding us through difficult times.
  • Clarify Your Priorities: In the face of anxiety, it’s essential to identify your priorities and align them with your values. What aspects of your life do you prioritize when making decisions? What would your monthly budget say about your priorities? What would your calendar show about what is most important to you?
  • Imagine Your Ideal Life: Envision a life where you are living in alignment with your values. What does this life look like? By visualizing your ideal future, you can gain clarity on the values that are most important to you. This pivotal step anchors you in your motivation to persevere through the demanding process of confronting the fear and avoidance that trap so many in anxiety.

 

 

Integrating Values into Daily Life:

Integrating values into your daily life is essential for building resilience. Here’s how you can incorporate your values into your daily routine:

  • Set Goals Aligned with Your Values: Identify goals that are aligned with your core values and take steps to pursue them. By setting goals that are meaningful to you, you can stay focused and motivated, even in the face of anxiety.
  • Take Values-Based Action: Commit to taking action that is consistent with your values, even when it feels challenging. By prioritizing values-based action, you can build resilience and overcome anxiety-triggering situations with confidence.
  • Practice Mindfulness and Acceptance: Cultivate mindfulness and acceptance of your internal experiences, including anxious thoughts and feelings. By practicing mindfulness, you can observe your thoughts without judgment and respond to them in a values-driven manner instead of an anxiety-driven manner.

 

Embracing your values is a powerful tool for building resilience. By connecting with what truly matters to you and aligning your actions with your values, you can navigate life’s challenges with clarity and purpose. If you’re ready to explore your values further and receive support on your journey, consider reaching out to a therapist on our team who can guide you through this process. Your path to resilience starts by embracing your values today.

Climate Anxiety

Climate Anxiety

by | Sep 10, 2024 |

Hope, Action, and Climate Advocacy “I thought I couldn’t make a difference because I was too small.” -Greta Thunberg   We live in the age of information, which means it is increasingly difficult to limit one’s access to breaking news. More and more we are seeing...

Get Outside For Your Brain

Get Outside For Your Brain

by | May 10, 2024 | , ,

When I am among the trees, Especially the willows and the honey locust, Equally the beech, the oaks and the pines, They give off such hints of gladness I would almost say they save me, and daily. Excerpt, "When I Am Among The Trees" by Mary Oliver We live in a world...