6 Ways to Improve Your Self Awareness

6 Ways to Improve Your Self Awareness

 

How to Gear Up for an Awkward Conversation

How to Gear Up for an Awkward Conversation

Years ago, I was the guitarist in a rock band. Well, okay, the term “rock band” might be a bit of an exaggeration. It was really a group of fresh-faced college students playing children’s music at local parks. The trouble was, our drummer had just learned some fancy new fills and was throwing off the beat–repeatedly, in every single song.

Ever the “nice” kid, I recall being wracked with anxiety as I prepared to confront the drummer. I waited passively first, hoping he would figure out on his own that he was the one messing things up. When that didn’t do the trick, I knew it was time to say something.

It was around that time that one of my mentors taught me how to use “I”-Statements, which forever changed the way I approach awkward conversations, and allowed me to find the words for opening up to the drummer.

 

“I”-STATEMENTS

“I”-Statements are an approach to confrontation that allows the person doing the confronting to take ownership for their own thoughts, feelings, and needs. Not surprisingly, “I”-statements typically start with the word “I.” Here are some example “I”-Statement sentence starters:

  • I noticed…
  • I feel… (and you have to use an actual emotion word here!)
  • What I’d like is…

In contrast, “You”-statements put the blame on the other person, setting into motion the type of defensiveness that often escalates a confrontation into a fight. A typical “You”-statement might sound something like– “Drummer dude, you’re screwing up our rhythm!” That approach would probably not have lead to anything constructive and may have damaged band cohesion.

Instead, an I-statement allows me to express how I’m being impacted and what I need. For example: “Drummer dude, I noticed myself struggling to keep a steady strumming rhythm during those transitions when you’re using the new drum fills. I’ve felt lost during those parts. What I’d like is to hold off on using the new fills until we can get in sync with our rhythm in practice.”

 

Sometimes, an “I”-statement doesn’t feel like quite enough, especially when the awkward conversation you are preparing is particularly hard for someone to hear.

Let’s be real! Being on the receiving end of feedback can be uncomfortable, exposing, and make us feel vulnerable! Most of us have a natural defensive mechanism that steps in when those feelings come up while someone is giving feedback. That defensiveness can come across as denying, blaming, excusing, or ignoring. When you’re anticipating defensiveness in your awkward conversation, the “Empathy Sandwich” technique might come in handy.

 

 EMPATHY SANDWICH

A palatable confrontation is like a bologna sandwich.

  • The top slice of bread is an empathy statement. You can demonstrate empathy (which helps soften your confrontation) by showing that you understand where the other person is coming from. You put yourself in their shoes. For example: “You’ve been so excited to try out the new drum fills you’re learning!”

 

  • The bologna is the meat of the confrontation– the main point you’re hoping they hear. “I noticed myself struggling to keep a steady strumming rhythm during those transitions when you’re using the new fills. I’ve felt lost during those parts. What I’d like is to hold off on using the new fills until we can get in sync with our rhythm in practice.”

 

  • The bottom slice of bread is another empathy statement. “I understand why you’ve been so motivated to try the new fills! You’ve got that battle of the drummers competition coming up and you’re worried you might not be ready!”

 

The empathy sandwich technique might not work so well if the “meat” of your sandwich has too many layers. Do your best to stick to the point. What do you most want them to hear? If you throw in the kitchen sink, they will likely miss the point.

The empathy sandwich technique works best when the empathy statements you choose assume the best in the other person, are non-judgmental, and reflect your sense of how the other person is feeling.

 

FEEDBACK GUIDELINES

 In her book, “Daring Greatly,” Brene Brown provides a checklist that a person can use to gauge whether or not they are ready to give feedback.

“I know I am ready to give feedback when–

  • I’m ready to sit next to you rather than across from you;
  • I’m willing to put the problem in front of us rather than between us (or sliding it toward you)
  • I’m ready to listen, ask questions and accept that I may not fully understand the issue;
  • I want to acknowledge what you do well instead of picking apart your mistakes;
  • I recognize your strengths and how you can use them to address your challenges;
  • I can hold you accountable without shaming or blaming you;
  • I’m willing to own my part;
  • I can genuinely thank you for your efforts rather than criticize you for your failings;
  • I can talk about how resolving these challenges will lead to your growth and opportunity; and
  • I can model the vulnerability and openness that I can expect from you. (p.204, Daring Greatly)”

 

A printed version of Brene Brown’s checklist can be found at her website.

 

If you’d like support gearing up for an awkward conversation, a counselor at Star Meadow Counseling is available to help!

 

 

REFERENCES

Brown, B. (2017). Engaged Feedback Checklist. Retrieved May 28, 2018, from https://brenebrown.com/downloads/engaged-feedback-checklist/

5 Apologies That Don’t Work

5 Apologies That Don’t Work

Have you ever wondered why your apology might not be working? It has surely happened to all of us. Sometimes we end up asking for forgiveness and somehow it still isn’t good enough. Has it ever occurred to you that it may be in your best interest to reevaluate how you apologize? If so, take a look at the list below.

 

5 Apologies That Don’t Work:

 

I’ll only be sorry if…
This false apology is insinuating that there are strings attached. This position holds power over the other person because it is guilting them into accepting an apology upon condition. A genuine apology is not conditional. If you are looking for strings attached, try attending a puppet show.

I’m sorry! But…
The phrase “but” is tricky. In a context like this it completely minimizes the apology. This appears to brush over the importance of the apology and rush quickly into another agenda. Unfortunately, it erases the gravity of the apology, which quickly be seen as not taking things seriously.

I’m sorry ok?! I’m sorry!
An apology like this looks an awful lot like folding to make the other move on, rather than truly feeling sorry. This is appeasement. It says, “I’ll say it only because you WANT me to say it, not because I really feel it.” This apology leaves too much room for confusion and further hurt.

Sorry, can’t we just get over it?!
No. People can’t just get over it. Not until the pain is heard and seen. This apology is pushing too hard, too fast. When you have to ask someone to “get over it”, you need to re-evaluate how you are showing your true intentions of asking for forgiveness.

I’m sorry you feel that way, not for what I did.
This is not an apology. This stance only shows a lack of ownership by refusing to acknowledge your part in causing hurt. This can lead to heightened reactions and more fighting.

The best apologies are the ones that acknowledge the pain, convey an understanding of how the other feels, then asks for forgiveness through an apology.  It may look something like this: “Hey, I see you…I hear you…I can tell this hurt. I am sorry that this hurt. I don’t want to hurt you. Will you forgive me?” When people feel deeply heard then things begin to change. It may not be done on the first apology, but avoiding the detours listed above will get you there a lot quicker.

 

For more on effective communication, check out 31 Empathetic Statements that Show You Care.

About the Author: Emily De La Torre

This is a guest post from a wonderful local counselor, Emily De La Torre. Emily is a fellow therapist who runs Pax Family Counseling in Vancouver, WA.  To learn more about Pax Family Counseling, you can check them out here.

6 Red Flags of a Toxic Relationship

6 Red Flags of a Toxic Relationship

  1. What is the Foundation of Your Relationship?: If your relationship is built on lies, control, manipulation, ego, or competition and not on trust, shared interests, love, kindness or respect, know that you have a problem. The foundation of your relationship determines the future of your relationship. (more…)