Breaking Free From Rumination After a Narcissistic Relationship

Breaking Free From Rumination After a Narcissistic Relationship

by | Anxiety, Relationships, Self-Esteem, Trauma

If you’ve ever found yourself replaying old conversations, imagining what you should have said, or wondering if it was all somehow your fault, you’re not alone. This mental loop is called rumination, and it can pull you out of your present life and drop you right back into the past. It is actually a very common experience for those who have been in narcissistic relationships, sometimes even months or years after the relationship has ended.

The impact does not stop with thoughts about the relationship itself. Rumination can spill into other areas of your life, leading you to second-guess everyday decisions. You might question what you like or do not like, hesitate over career choices, or even feel unsure about simple things like what to wear. When your inner world has been shaped by constant doubt and gaslighting, it is no surprise that self-trust feels shaky long after the relationship is over.

You may also find yourself wondering, why do I keep going back? Why can’t I just move on? That frustration is part of the rumination trap, feeling stuck between knowing what happened was harmful and still getting pulled into the loop of trying to make sense of it.

 

What This Rumination Looks Like

Rumination often sounds like:

  • “Maybe it was me.”
  • “I didn’t explain myself clearly enough.”
  • “Maybe if I just changed…”
  • “If I could just say this one thing, maybe it would change.”
  • “If only I could just get them to see what they did.”
  • “We had some good moments, too. Was I just being too sensitive?”

These are all the classic questions and thoughts for those caught in rumination, being stuck in mental loops, replaying scenarios, imagining how things could have been better, or waiting for the day the other person finally notices the pain they caused.

 

Why Rumination May Be Happening

Narcissistic people are skilled at planting doubt and leaving you without true closure or understanding. Leaving you feeling like you are never right, and you are meant to doubt yourself. They are both skilled and unwilling to admit that they are doing this. It is highly unlikely that this person is ever going to hold themselves accountable or acknowledge the harm they caused. You could play out many scenarios in your head, and the outcome would be the same: “you lose”

Family of origin dynamics can deepen this pattern too. If you grew up around gaslighting or criticism, it is easy to keep chasing validation that may never come. These earlier messages can build in a narrative around self-doubting and difficulty with trusting how you really feel.

 

Breaking From the Cycle of Rumination

You cannot fix the unfixable, but you can take steps to loosen rumination’s grip. Dr. Ramani suggests the following tips, and if you want to dive deeper I encourage you to watch the video listed below and explore more of her content. She is a specialist in narcissistic abuse and recovery.

  • Distraction List: Helpful shifts that can take you away from your thoughts and ruminations: a change of scene, engaging in a fun hobby, going for a walk, or calling a friend. These small actions can help reset the mind and give you space away from the loop.
  • Mindfulness Practice: Anchor yourself in the present by tuning into what is around you: sights, sounds, and sensations.
  • Realistic Recall: I like to describe this as making the painful events of abuse more tangible instead of being caught in only the “good moments.” Writing down the difficult times can help keep a clear picture of what actually happened.
  • Joyful Defiance: This is about actively defying the restrictions that relationship placed on you. Do the very things you were not allowed to do, whether it is wearing certain clothes, laughing too loud, or exploring new hobbies. Each act of joyful defiance is a way of reclaiming your life and your sense of self.

 

Final Thoughts

Rumination convinces you that if you think hard enough, or if you finally say the perfect thing, you will land on the explanation that makes sense. But healing and reclaiming yourself does not come from being caught in the problem solving and confusing puzzle the narcissist has planted. It comes from recognizing the game and the manipulation, and choosing to step out of it. Little by little, you can shift your focus from replaying the past to reclaiming your present.

If you think this pertains to you or you resonate with what you have read, Ellen Bass specializes in helping people reclaim their lives after narcissistic and emotional abuse. She supports individuals in rebuilding self-trust, finding clarity, and creating space for healing and growth.

Resources:

 

 

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Overcoming Perfectionism with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)

Overcoming Perfectionism with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)

by | Anxiety, Self Acceptance, Self Worth, Self-Esteem

Perfectionism is often celebrated in our society, but for many, it can become an overwhelming burden. When perfectionism takes over, it can lead to constant self-criticism, avoidance of challenges, and a deep fear of failure. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) offers powerful tools to help people struggling with perfectionism find relief and regain balance. By focusing on mindfulness, acceptance, and value-driven action, ACT provides a path toward overcoming the rigid standards that keep perfectionism alive.

Understanding Perfectionism through an ACT Lens

ACT views perfectionism as a product of rigid thinking patterns and avoidance behaviors. These patterns often center around unhelpful thoughts like, “I’m not good enough,” or “I have to be flawless to be worthy.” In ACT, such thoughts are seen as part of human experience, not facts or truths that must dictate behavior. Instead of trying to eliminate these thoughts, ACT teaches clients to change their relationship with them, reducing their power and influence.

Two key ACT skills that are particularly useful for addressing perfectionism are cognitive defusion and emotion expansion (also known as acceptance). Let’s explore how these skills can help individuals break free from perfectionistic traps.

Cognitive Defusion: Unhooking from Perfectionistic Thoughts

Cognitive defusion involves creating distance between you and your thoughts so they don’t control your actions. Perfectionistic thoughts often show up as harsh self-judgments, catastrophic predictions, or rigid rules. For example:

  • “If I can’t do it perfectly, I shouldn’t do it at all.”

  • “Everyone will judge me if I make a mistake.”

  • “I’ll never be good enough no matter how hard I try.”

Instead of getting caught up in these thoughts, cognitive defusion helps you observe them for what they are: just thoughts. Here are a few practical strategies for cognitive defusion:

  • Label your thoughts: When a perfectionistic thought arises, label it by saying, “I’m having the thought that I’ll fail,” instead of “I’ll fail.” This small shift reminds you that thoughts are not facts.

  • Thank your mind: When your inner critic speaks up, respond with humor and gratitude: “Thanks, mind, for trying to keep me safe, but I’ve got this.”

  • Imagine your thoughts as external objects: Picture your perfectionistic thoughts as leaves floating down a stream or words written in the sand. This visualization can help you let them come and go without getting stuck.

Cognitive defusion doesn’t aim to make the thoughts disappear but to reduce their power. With practice, you can learn to notice perfectionistic thoughts without letting them dictate your choices.

Emotion Expansion: Making Space for Discomfort

Perfectionism often stems from a desire to avoid uncomfortable emotions, such as anxiety, shame, or fear of failure. In ACT, emotion expansion involves accepting these emotions as part of the human experience rather than trying to suppress or escape them. By making space for discomfort, you can free yourself from the cycle of avoidance that perfectionism perpetuates.

Here’s how emotion expansion can help:

  • Name your emotions: When you’re feeling overwhelmed, pause and identify what you’re experiencing. For example: “This is anxiety,” or “I’m feeling shame right now.” Naming emotions can reduce their intensity and make them feel more manageable.

  • Breathe into the feeling: When discomfort arises, practice breathing deeply and imagining your breath flowing into the area of your body where you feel the emotion most strongly. This simple act can help you stay present with the sensation instead of resisting it.

  • Welcome emotions as visitors: Instead of viewing emotions as threats, try thinking of them as temporary visitors. Remind yourself: “This feeling won’t last forever.”

By expanding your capacity to sit with difficult emotions, you can take meaningful action even when perfectionistic fears are present.

Living a Value-Driven Life

At the heart of ACT is the concept of living a life aligned with your values. Perfectionism often leads people to prioritize external validation or unrealistic standards over what truly matters to them. By identifying and committing to your core values, you can shift your focus from “What will others think?” to “What do I want my life to stand for?”

Here’s how to start living a value-driven life:

  1. Identify your values: Reflect on what matters most to you. Is it creativity, connection, personal growth, or helping others? Write down the values that resonate with you.

  2. Set values-based goals: Instead of pursuing perfection, set goals that align with your values. For example, if connection is a value, focus on spending quality time with loved ones rather than striving to be the “perfect” friend or partner.

  3. Take committed action: Even when perfectionistic thoughts arise, practice taking small, values-aligned steps. For example, if fear of judgment is holding you back from sharing your work, remind yourself of your value of creativity and share it anyway.

Moving Beyond Perfectionism

Overcoming perfectionism is a journey, not a destination. With the tools of ACT, you can learn to unhook from unhelpful thoughts, embrace uncomfortable emotions, and live a life guided by your values rather than by fear. Perfectionism may still whisper in your ear, but it doesn’t have to steer your path. By practicing cognitive defusion, emotion expansion, and value-driven action, you can build a life that feels authentic, meaningful, and fulfilling.

If perfectionism is holding you back, consider reaching out to a therapist trained in ACT. With guidance and practice, you can break free from the grip of perfectionism and move toward a life of greater freedom and self-compassion.

Ready to take the first step? Contact our office today to schedule a consultation and explore how ACT can support you on your journey to a more balanced and fulfilling life.

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Things You Might Feel Shame For, That Are Actually Very Common!

Things You Might Feel Shame For, That Are Actually Very Common!

by | General, Self Acceptance, Self Worth, Self-Esteem

As therapists, we hear from people in all walks of life. Every client is different and comes to therapy with varied experiences, but one thing remains true; most people hold shame for things they don’t need to. When we feel shame, our brains will often make us think that we’re the only one who could think or feel this way, or that only terrible people would be. Aside from being a horrifically uncomfortable emotion, intense shame is detrimental to our overall mental health, relationships, and long-term self-esteem. 

 

While this is nowhere near a comprehensive list, below is a list of things I often hear in therapy, that are entirely normal. If you’ve ever had these thoughts, you are far from alone!

 

“When ____ died, I felt relieved”

 

What shame tells you this means: I must be a terrible person to feel a positive emotion after a death. Did I wish this upon them? 

 

What it actually means: You’re a human capable of compassion fatigue, empathy for an end to suffering, potential safety benefits to yourself or others, awareness of resource strain, etc. Grief is always complex and there are typically many conflicting emotions that can include relief. 

 

“I lied/cheated/stole in my past”

What shame tells you this means: “I am a liar, cheater, criminal.”

 

What it actually means: Many people hold shame for very minor mistakes or choices from their past. Barring violent or aggressive actions, most of the time there is a reason for these choices, that once understood, lets in compassion instead of shame. 

 

 

“I _____ to cope”

 

What shame thinks this means: I can’t deal with the stress of my life. 

 

What it actually means: Substances, “nervous habits”, and impulse spending are just some of the behaviors people often feel significant shame for engaging in when they are feeling difficult emotions. If your behaviors are causing you harm or aren’t working to reduce your distress as you hoped, all that means is that they aren’t quite the right option for you. There is never shame in trying to feel better, there are only things that serve you and things that don’t. 

 

“I have intrusive thoughts about ________”

 

What shame tells you this means: “My brain is out of control, I’m disgusting/disturbed for thinking that way”

 

What it actually means: You have a normal brain, working exactly how a normal brain should. Intrusive thoughts are so common, that it’s more uncommon to be someone who hasn’t experienced an intrusive thought. To be frank, I’ve never met someone who hasn’t experienced intrusive thoughts, only people who felt strong emotion after them, and people who brushed them off and forgot about them. Having intrusive thoughts (even ones that feel totally out of character!) says nothing about who you are. If these thoughts are causing you intense distress it is certainly worth discussing with a mental health provider, but even then, there is no shame in experiencing them. 

 

 

 

Do You Know the Signs of Someone Who is Suicidal?

Do You Know the Signs of Someone Who is Suicidal?

by | Depression, Self-Esteem

According to the American Foundation of Suicide Prevention, over 47,000 people died by suicide in the United States in 2017. In the same year, there were an estimated 1,400,000 suicide attempts.

Knowing the signs of suicide is the primary step in preventing someone you know and love from successfully taking their own life.

The Warning Signs of Suicide

Hopelessness

Many individuals who are contemplating ending their own life experience and express feelings of hopelessness.

Other Strong Emotions

Suicidal people may also experience and express excessive anger and rage and talk about seeking some kind of revenge.

Risky Behavior

People who are thinking about ending their own life start showing signs of risky behavior. Since their lives are not valuable in their own eyes, they may engage in certain behaviors, not caring about the consequences. This can be drinking and driving, experimenting with hard drug use, and spending time in unsafe parts of town.

Isolation

Have you noticed your loved one withdrawing from friends and family and isolating themselves more?

Trouble Sleeping

Suicidal individuals often experience great anxiety that causes them to suffer from insomnia. Has your loved one been complaining of not sleeping? Are they taking medication for sleep issues?

The above are warning signs that your loved one may be experiencing a deep depression that needs attention.

The following are three signs that your loved one needs some help IMMEDIATELY:

They’ve Come Right Out and Said It

Your loved one has actually verbalized a desire to harm themselves or kill themselves.

You’ve Discovered A Plan

You have somehow come to know that your loved one is actively planning their suicide by stocking pills or getting their hands on a weapon.

They Have Become Obsessed with Death

Many suicidal people, especially teenagers, begin talking or writing more and more about death or suicide in a positive light.

How You Can Help

Talking to someone you love about suicide can feel uncomfortable. You may be worried that by merely talking about it, you will somehow inspire the act. This just isn’t so. Just opening up to someone who is supportive and non-judgmental can assist them in recognizing their need to get some help from a trained therapist.

Offer to help them make a call to schedule an appointment with a therapist.

For immediate help, please call the toll-free National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), which is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. All calls are confidential. The Clark County Crisis line is also available 24/7: 1-800-626-8137.

How to Practice Self-Compassion

How to Practice Self-Compassion

by | Self-Esteem

From a young age, most of us are taught how to be kind, considerate, and compassionate toward others. But rarely are we told to show the same consideration to ourselves. This becomes even more true for individuals brought up in hyper-critical or neglectful homes.

 

What is Self-Compassion?

Self-compassion refers to how we can relate to the self with kindness. Self-compassion or self-love is NOT to be confused with arrogance or selfishness. In actuality, arrogance and selfishness stem from the absence of self-love.

But what does it really mean to be kind with ourselves?

  • Self-compassion is a discipline (especially if it doesn’t come naturally). It requires daily efforts to mindfully notice moments when we are being overly judgmental or harsh and saying “STOP!”
  • It requires showing the self the same amount of courteous respect that we might give other people. For example, you wouldn’t call other people “a failure;” it might be too harsh to use that language on yourself.
  • Self-compassion requires the use of empathy skills. This assumes you can 1) Name what you are feeling; and 2) Describe the good and valid reason this feeling is happening.

Why is this important? Because self-compassion helps us see ourselves more clearly and neutrally. It allows us to maintain a healthy self-esteem, recognizing that though we may sometimes make bad decisions, we’re not bad people.

Research, over the past decade, has shown the parallel between self-care and psychological well-being. Those who practice self-compassion also tend to have better connections with others, are happier with their own lives, and have a higher satisfaction with life overall. Self-compassion also correlates with less shame, anxiety and depression.

Now that you know the what and why of self-compassion, let’s look at the how.

 

How to Practice Self-Compassion

Treat Yourself as You Would a Small Child

You would never harshly judge or belittle a small child the way you do yourself. You would only want to help and love that child. When you begin to treat yourself as you would a small child, you begin to show yourself the same love, gentleness and kindness.

 

Practice Mindfulness

Every minute your mind is handling millions of bits of information, though you consciously are only aware of a few of them. This is to say we all have scripts or programs running in our minds 24/7. These scripts and programs are running our lives, insisting we have certain behaviors and make certain decisions.

Some of these scripts are the ones that tell us how “bad” or “unlovable” we are. They’ve been running since we were kids. The way to quiet these scripts is to become more mindful of your own mind.

When you begin to have a feeling or reaction to something, stop and ask yourself WHO is feeling that? Is it the compassionate self or the program running? If it’s the program, thank the program for what it has done and release it.

 

Good Will vs Good Feelings

Self-compassion is a conscious act of kindness we show ourselves; it’s not a way to alleviate emotional pain. Life happens, and we can’t always avoid negative or sad feelings. Never mistake self-compassion as a tool to ignore your deep and rich emotional life.

 

These are just a few ways you can begin to cultivate self-compassion. If you’d like to explore more options or talk to someone about your feelings of self-rejection and judgement, please get in touch with us. We have therapists on our team that might be able to help.

Making New “Glory Days”: How to Stop Obsessing About Youthful Successes

Making New “Glory Days”: How to Stop Obsessing About Youthful Successes

by | Obsession, Self-Esteem

“Ahh, the good ol’ days.” How often have we heard or uttered this familiar phrase? It can be a source of great pleasure and amusement to reminisce on a time when we were younger, remembering a special event or activity.

We tend to look at our past experiences through a filter that magnifies the positive while diminishing the negative. While there’s no harm in basking in a memory, it can be harmful if you spend so much time looking at your past, that you neglect your present and future.

If you’re someone who spends too much time thinking about the “glory days” of your youth, you might think it’s because your life has become dull and monotonous. With the carefree days of your youth behind you, you might long to be back in that time period to escape your present. But if you take a closer look and examine your life, you may be surprised to notice that you look back not because your past was so great, but rather because your present is not.

The more time you spend reminiscing, the worse your current life becomes, neglected by daydreaming of the past instead of imagining new heights to which you can aspire.

Get Rid of Unneeded Memorabilia

Sometimes a memento is a special memory of a special time, and sometimes it’s just an object that’s imprisoning you in your past. Getting rid of an excess of items associated with the past will help you stop living in days gone by, and free you to live in and enjoy the present.

Fully Appreciate Each Day

As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.” One way to stop living in the past is to enjoy and appreciate each day. Start keeping a journal and jot down three things you’re grateful for each day. Take a walk, or cook a special meal. Enjoy the sights, sounds and smells of every day.

Make Future Plans

Nothing can keep you from looking to the past quite like looking to the future. Plan a vacation or create a goal you want to reach in the near and distant future. Maybe you want to learn a new language, start playing the piano, or read all the classic novels. There’s a lot of life waiting to be lived, so make the most of it.

While there’s certainly nothing wrong with a moment of nostalgia, it’s important to live in the present, and spend your time enjoying your life as you live it. If you make the effort to create a better life for yourself today and in the future, you’ll not only bring yourself great happiness and satisfaction, but you’ll create many more memories to relish in the days to come.

If you’re struggling and looking for support and guidance to create a better, more satisfying life, a licensed professional can help. Call our office today and let’s schedule a time to talk.