Breaking Free From Rumination After a Narcissistic Relationship

by | Anxiety, Relationships, Self-Esteem, Trauma

Therapy for narcissistic abuse

If you’ve ever found yourself replaying old conversations, imagining what you should have said, or wondering if it was all somehow your fault, you’re not alone. This mental loop is called rumination, and it can pull you out of your present life and drop you right back into the past. It is actually a very common experience for those who have been in narcissistic relationships, sometimes even months or years after the relationship has ended.

The impact does not stop with thoughts about the relationship itself. Rumination can spill into other areas of your life, leading you to second-guess everyday decisions. You might question what you like or do not like, hesitate over career choices, or even feel unsure about simple things like what to wear. When your inner world has been shaped by constant doubt and gaslighting, it is no surprise that self-trust feels shaky long after the relationship is over.

You may also find yourself wondering, why do I keep going back? Why can’t I just move on? That frustration is part of the rumination trap, feeling stuck between knowing what happened was harmful and still getting pulled into the loop of trying to make sense of it.

 

What This Rumination Looks Like

Rumination often sounds like:

  • “Maybe it was me.”
  • “I didn’t explain myself clearly enough.”
  • “Maybe if I just changed…”
  • “If I could just say this one thing, maybe it would change.”
  • “If only I could just get them to see what they did.”
  • “We had some good moments, too. Was I just being too sensitive?”

These are all the classic questions and thoughts for those caught in rumination, being stuck in mental loops, replaying scenarios, imagining how things could have been better, or waiting for the day the other person finally notices the pain they caused.

 

Why Rumination May Be Happening

Narcissistic people are skilled at planting doubt and leaving you without true closure or understanding. Leaving you feeling like you are never right, and you are meant to doubt yourself. They are both skilled and unwilling to admit that they are doing this. It is highly unlikely that this person is ever going to hold themselves accountable or acknowledge the harm they caused. You could play out many scenarios in your head, and the outcome would be the same: “you lose”

Family of origin dynamics can deepen this pattern too. If you grew up around gaslighting or criticism, it is easy to keep chasing validation that may never come. These earlier messages can build in a narrative around self-doubting and difficulty with trusting how you really feel.

 

Breaking From the Cycle of Rumination

You cannot fix the unfixable, but you can take steps to loosen rumination’s grip. Dr. Ramani suggests the following tips, and if you want to dive deeper I encourage you to watch the video listed below and explore more of her content. She is a specialist in narcissistic abuse and recovery.

  • Distraction List: Helpful shifts that can take you away from your thoughts and ruminations: a change of scene, engaging in a fun hobby, going for a walk, or calling a friend. These small actions can help reset the mind and give you space away from the loop.
  • Mindfulness Practice: Anchor yourself in the present by tuning into what is around you: sights, sounds, and sensations.
  • Realistic Recall: I like to describe this as making the painful events of abuse more tangible instead of being caught in only the “good moments.” Writing down the difficult times can help keep a clear picture of what actually happened.
  • Joyful Defiance: This is about actively defying the restrictions that relationship placed on you. Do the very things you were not allowed to do, whether it is wearing certain clothes, laughing too loud, or exploring new hobbies. Each act of joyful defiance is a way of reclaiming your life and your sense of self.

 

Final Thoughts

Rumination convinces you that if you think hard enough, or if you finally say the perfect thing, you will land on the explanation that makes sense. But healing and reclaiming yourself does not come from being caught in the problem solving and confusing puzzle the narcissist has planted. It comes from recognizing the game and the manipulation, and choosing to step out of it. Little by little, you can shift your focus from replaying the past to reclaiming your present.

If you think this pertains to you or you resonate with what you have read, Ellen Bass specializes in helping people reclaim their lives after narcissistic and emotional abuse. She supports individuals in rebuilding self-trust, finding clarity, and creating space for healing and growth.

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