by Ericka Martin, LMHC, LPC | Jan 14, 2020 | Depression, Featured, Self Acceptance, Self Worth
Have you ever been so dejected or depressed that you began to question your worth as a person? What triggered that moment for you? Was it:
- A rejection, break-up, or abandonment?
- A harsh word or critique that hit like an arrow in the heart?
- A failure to live up to your own expectations?
- Feeling in over your head, burned out, or unable to perform?
- Something else?
As counselors, we often hear clients describe their feeling during these moments as “worthless.” It’s as if some lack of performing, achieving, belonging, or approval could strip away a person’s value as a human, leaving them with a sense of emptiness.
Do you have a sense of self-worth that goes up and down? A conditional self-worth that is dependant on being liked or on your achievements? As you’ve perhaps experienced, having a conditional self-worth can be risky:
- Perhaps you overwork, overachieve, and compulsively climb ladders trying to prove yourself. Do ever really reach the finish line or are you stuck on a hamster wheel constantly striving? Does that cost you time with your family or friends? If a setback occurs, do you name yourself “failure” and pay a cost with anxiety, depression, or a suicidal urge?
- Perhaps you base self-worth on the condition of others’ approval (which can go up or down). Do you have a good or bad day depending on if someone else’s reactions to you? Does that ever lead you to over-committing or people-pleasing? Do you hold back, minimizing your voice in relationships? If a subtle rejection occurs, do you notice yourself having a big emotional response?
Perfectionism is the embodiment of achievement-oriented or approval-oriented self worth. Brene Brown describes perfectionism and its cost best:
“Perfectionism is not the same thing has striving to be your best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfet, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. It’s a shield. Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight.”
-Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection
It’s time to change how we think about WORTH. What if you could experience a form of self-worth that did not ebb and flow with your achievement or approval? Would you step off of the “conditional self-worth” rollercoaster? Wouldn’t it be amazing to experience security in your self-worth despite successes or failures!
I want to suggest two key strategies for revolutionizing your experience of self-worth.
- Clarify what you really feel when you say you feel “WORTHLESS.”
I want to suggest that “WORTHLESS” is a judgment NOT a feeling. It’s a proclamation of subjective self-assessment. It is more thought than it is emotion. These judgments are similarly not feelings:
- Bad
- Failure
- Fat
- Ugly
- Stupid
- Crazy
But, you might argue, “I DO feel strongly when I have those thoughts!” YES! A distorted negative self-evaluation would certainly evoke a strong feeling! Let’s see if we can clarify what you are really feeling in those moments. Perhaps one of these feeling words would more accurately describe the emotion that goes with that thought:
- Disappointment
- Shame
- Sadness
- Anger
- Fear
- Worry
- Guilt
This perspective shifting skill is essential: Instead of going along with the “I’m worthless” judgment, NAME WHAT YOU’RE FEELING and WHY.
For example: “I’m feeling ashamed because I yelled at my kids.” “I am feeling afraid because I lost my job.” “I am feeling sad because she broke up with me.”
2. REDEFINE WORTH.
The striking reality is that there is no standard measurement of WORTH. There is not a test you can take, a medal you can earn, or a status you must reach. The concept of what defines self-worth is unscientific, self-determined, and deeply personal. YOU HAVE THE POWER to change your self-assessment.
What if you were to intentionally choose to believe WORTH is a birthright, something inherent in your humanness? I think that’s what the founders of our country believed when they wrote these words in the Declaration of Independence:
“We hold these Truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.”
WORTH does not have to be conditional. You can found your self-worth on the powerful certainty that you have sustaining value that can not be earned nor lost.
HYPOCRICY CHECK: Do you apply unconditional worth to other people better than to yourself? For example, if you’re a parent, your child might make choices that make you lose their trust, but could they ever lose worth in your eyes? Never! You might already believe in unconditional self-worth, as it applies to others. Are you applying the same concept to yourself? If not, now’s the time. Take the leap of faith. It’s worth it!
Now, if we combine the name-your-feelings skill with the concept of unconditional self-worth, you can see how it’s possible to make mistakes, have setbacks, and receive rejection without it meaning anything at all about your worth as a human.
If you’d like help building a secure sense of self-worth (or overcoming your achievement- or approval-oriented perfectionism), a therapist at Star Meadow Counseling may be available to help.
Also check out behavioral strategies for shifting out of worthless thoughts in our latest blog: “How to Disobey ‘Worthless’ Thoughts.”
by Ericka Martin, LMHC, LPC | Dec 23, 2019 | General
Are you one of those people who has never quite felt like an introvert but are definitely not an extrovert? Have you read descriptions of either personality and thought, “Mmmm, close, but not quite?” If so, you might be what is called an extroverted introvert (EI).
Extroverted introverts, also called “outgoing introverts”, “ambiverts,” or “social introverts” have qualities of both personalities. They are not entirely loners but don’t necessarily enjoy spending time with large groups of people.
Most people are, in fact, somewhere in the middle of the extrovert/introvert spectrum, sharing qualities of both introversion and extroversion. Let’s take a look at some of the characteristics of an extroverted introvert.
You are Sensitive to Your Surroundings
How you feel can be directly linked to your environment. What kind of music is playing, how many people are there, and the overall noise level can affect you greatly. If you’re an EI, you will either feel energized or drained depending on your surroundings.
You Have a Love/Hate Relationship with People in General
There is a part of you that truly enjoys meeting new people and hearing their personal stories. Then there is the other part of you that loathes the idea of spending every second of the day with other people. You like people, but you can only take them in small doses.
You’re Both Outgoing and Introspective
You’ve been known to hold your own in witty small talk and can make a room full of people chuckle. But when alone, you are generally thinking about the meaning of life and other huge topics. You like to have fun, but if you’re honest, you prefer to be left alone to think things through.
You take A While to Warm Up Around Others
You’re more like a cat than a dog. While you can be outgoing and find other’s company enjoyable on occasion, you’re not going to feel comfortable around strangers right off the bat. It takes you awhile to warm up to new people and situations before you are truly comfortable enough to let loose and be yourself.
No One Believes You’re an Introvert
Whenever the topic comes up and you tell your friends and relatives that you’re actually an introvert, no one believes you.
If this sounds like you, welcome to the club. Many artists, writers and other creative types often identify as extroverted introverts so you are in good company!
by Ericka Martin, LMHC, LPC | Dec 23, 2019 | Couples/Marriage, Relationships
For better or worse. Those words seem easy to say at the time, but when worse gets really bad, many couples are ready to throw in the towel. Here are some things to consider that might indicate that your relationship is ready for a tune-up.
The Stigma of Counseling
It can be hard to make the decision to go to couples counseling because it means you have to face your problems and admit you and your partner are on shaky ground. That can be incredibly scary to admit. It’s not dissimilar to thinking something may be wrong with your health, but you’re too scared to face the music and so you ignore the issue until it gets way too big.
Beyond having to admit you and your partner have problems, there’s also the discomfort of not being familiar with therapy. It can definitely feel a bit mysterious and scary sitting down with a total stranger and sharing personal information about your relationship.
For these reasons, far too many couples let their marriage issues sit on the back burner, percolating. But the better option is to nip an issue in the bud as soon as it rears its ugly head.
To save you some confusion, here are some of the most common relationship issues that typically require some time in couples counseling.
Broken Trust
Whenever there is a major breach of trust, such as an extramarital affair, there is usually a need for couples counseling. A therapist can help you both rebuild the foundation of trust.
More Frequent Arguments
To each relationship, a little rain must fall. But when you start having frequent torrential downpours, it’s time to ask for help. An increase in fighting and intensity of fighting often means significant problems under the surface.
Stonewalling
If you and your partner aren’t talking at all about important matters, this too can erode a relationship. Feelings of resentment can build up and be difficult to address if left to fester for too long.
You’ve Experienced a Devastating Event
Life throws us events in our lives that are hard to rebound from. Whether it’s a financial loss or the loss of a loved one, as in the loss of a child, the trauma can change the way you and your partner relate to one another.
These are just a few of the reasons you and your partner should consider exploring couples counseling. It’s always better to seek help than try and go it alone.
If you are interested in treatment options, please be in touch with us. We have a licensed marriage and family therapist now accepting new clients.
by Ericka Martin, LMHC, LPC | Nov 26, 2019 | Depression, Self-Esteem
According to the American Foundation of Suicide Prevention, over 47,000 people died by suicide in the United States in 2017. In the same year, there were an estimated 1,400,000 suicide attempts.
Knowing the signs of suicide is the primary step in preventing someone you know and love from successfully taking their own life.
The Warning Signs of Suicide
Hopelessness
Many individuals who are contemplating ending their own life experience and express feelings of hopelessness.
Other Strong Emotions
Suicidal people may also experience and express excessive anger and rage and talk about seeking some kind of revenge.
Risky Behavior
People who are thinking about ending their own life start showing signs of risky behavior. Since their lives are not valuable in their own eyes, they may engage in certain behaviors, not caring about the consequences. This can be drinking and driving, experimenting with hard drug use, and spending time in unsafe parts of town.
Isolation
Have you noticed your loved one withdrawing from friends and family and isolating themselves more?
Trouble Sleeping
Suicidal individuals often experience great anxiety that causes them to suffer from insomnia. Has your loved one been complaining of not sleeping? Are they taking medication for sleep issues?
The above are warning signs that your loved one may be experiencing a deep depression that needs attention.
The following are three signs that your loved one needs some help IMMEDIATELY:
They’ve Come Right Out and Said It
Your loved one has actually verbalized a desire to harm themselves or kill themselves.
You’ve Discovered A Plan
You have somehow come to know that your loved one is actively planning their suicide by stocking pills or getting their hands on a weapon.
They Have Become Obsessed with Death
Many suicidal people, especially teenagers, begin talking or writing more and more about death or suicide in a positive light.
How You Can Help
Talking to someone you love about suicide can feel uncomfortable. You may be worried that by merely talking about it, you will somehow inspire the act. This just isn’t so. Just opening up to someone who is supportive and non-judgmental can assist them in recognizing their need to get some help from a trained therapist.
Offer to help them make a call to schedule an appointment with a therapist.
For immediate help, please call the toll-free National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), which is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. All calls are confidential. The Clark County Crisis line is also available 24/7: 1-800-626-8137.
by Ericka Martin, LMHC, LPC | Nov 18, 2019 | Self-Esteem
From a young age, most of us are taught how to be kind, considerate, and compassionate toward others. But rarely are we told to show the same consideration to ourselves. This becomes even more true for individuals brought up in hyper-critical or neglectful homes.
What is Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion refers to how we can relate to the self with kindness. Self-compassion or self-love is NOT to be confused with arrogance or selfishness. In actuality, arrogance and selfishness stem from the absence of self-love.
But what does it really mean to be kind with ourselves?
- Self-compassion is a discipline (especially if it doesn’t come naturally). It requires daily efforts to mindfully notice moments when we are being overly judgmental or harsh and saying “STOP!”
- It requires showing the self the same amount of courteous respect that we might give other people. For example, you wouldn’t call other people “a failure;” it might be too harsh to use that language on yourself.
- Self-compassion requires the use of empathy skills. This assumes you can 1) Name what you are feeling; and 2) Describe the good and valid reason this feeling is happening.
Why is this important? Because self-compassion helps us see ourselves more clearly and neutrally. It allows us to maintain a healthy self-esteem, recognizing that though we may sometimes make bad decisions, we’re not bad people.
Research, over the past decade, has shown the parallel between self-care and psychological well-being. Those who practice self-compassion also tend to have better connections with others, are happier with their own lives, and have a higher satisfaction with life overall. Self-compassion also correlates with less shame, anxiety and depression.
Now that you know the what and why of self-compassion, let’s look at the how.
How to Practice Self-Compassion
Treat Yourself as You Would a Small Child
You would never harshly judge or belittle a small child the way you do yourself. You would only want to help and love that child. When you begin to treat yourself as you would a small child, you begin to show yourself the same love, gentleness and kindness.
Practice Mindfulness
Every minute your mind is handling millions of bits of information, though you consciously are only aware of a few of them. This is to say we all have scripts or programs running in our minds 24/7. These scripts and programs are running our lives, insisting we have certain behaviors and make certain decisions.
Some of these scripts are the ones that tell us how “bad” or “unlovable” we are. They’ve been running since we were kids. The way to quiet these scripts is to become more mindful of your own mind.
When you begin to have a feeling or reaction to something, stop and ask yourself WHO is feeling that? Is it the compassionate self or the program running? If it’s the program, thank the program for what it has done and release it.
Good Will vs Good Feelings
Self-compassion is a conscious act of kindness we show ourselves; it’s not a way to alleviate emotional pain. Life happens, and we can’t always avoid negative or sad feelings. Never mistake self-compassion as a tool to ignore your deep and rich emotional life.
These are just a few ways you can begin to cultivate self-compassion. If you’d like to explore more options or talk to someone about your feelings of self-rejection and judgement, please get in touch with us. We have therapists on our team that might be able to help.
