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Grief is Not Pathology

Grief is Not Pathology

by | Grief

Grief and loss, whether person or place or part of self, are inevitable. Every one of us will lose someone or something, and every one of us will need to be cared for through it; yet, our culture has no shared language for loss. Grief is a collective experience that feels isolating and lonely.

 

In her book It’s OK That You’re Not OK, therapist and widow Megan Devine speaks to the complexities of grief from both her professional and personal experiences.

 

The narrative about grief in our culture is one of stages. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, a Swiss-American psychiatrist, devoted her career to studying death and loss. She pioneered the theory we have of the five stages of grief; Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Kubler-Ross later discussed that these stages were never meant to be understood as linear; however, the culture we exist in has a present-day expectation of a speedy recovery after loss.

 

Let’s pause and take a look at grief. Devine writes, “Recovery inside grief is entirely about finding those ways to stay true to yourself, to honor who you are, and what has come before, while living the days and years that remain.”

 

Grief is not pathology and it is not something to “Get Better Soon!” from. However you feel your grief is the correct way because it is a normal and healthy reaction to a permanent change that you did not ask for. What this means is we are tasked with rebuilding around loss, not “getting over.”

 

Let’s change the expectation of recovery. If you are grieving, approach yourself with compassion. Our natural inclination is to avoid and distract (brilliant, by the way, for those moments it hits you in line at the DMV and it isn’t a good time). In environments and with company you feel safe with, though, let it be messy and nonlinear. Loss itself is messy and nonlinear.

 

More words on grief –

Journaling and Mental Health

Journaling and Mental Health

by | Coping, Counseling, General, Mental Health

If you have ever had a conversation with your therapist about coping skill development, you have probably received a recommendation to begin a journaling practice. Understandably, sometimes journaling is met with skepticism – What does writing about my emotions solve, and why is writing so widely recommended?

 

Processing Emotions

  • Putting emotion on paper engages the prefrontal cortex – the part of the brain which puts language to emotion, grounds us in the present moment, and assists in regulating emotion.

Memory Consolidation

  • Put simply, memory consolidation is a process by which information in short-term memory is transferred to long-term memory. Writing about your experiences – positive or negative – strengthens the parts of the brain associated with this consolidation. What this means is that, over time, we become better at accessing various parts of a memory (sound, taste, touch, smell, thought, etc.) and this allows us to better make sense of memories that may be difficult or traumatic in nature.

Stress Reduction

  • Journaling has been found to activate the parasympathetic nervous system (the “rest and digest” response/the antithesis of fight/flight/freeze). Cortisol levels drop, breath deepens, heart rate begins to slow. Suddenly, the writer is able to be more present with themselves as they process.

 

More than what researchers have shared with us about how journaling impacts the brain (as noted above), put simply – writing with and for ourselves fosters an internal relationship. We are in relation with ourselves more often than we are anyone else, yet rarely are we taught what it means to interact with self or how to do so in a compassionate way.

 

If you are interested in exploring journaling but are unsure where to start, here are some prompts to explore:

  1. I feel __________ about journaling because…
  2. My relationship with myself could be described as…
  3. I want my relationship with myself to be more…

 

Remember, journaling is as individual as you are. Let there be spelling mistakes, run-on sentences, scribbles, and even drawings. Humans are gritty and messy; let the way you cope be gritty and messy, too.

4 ADHD Skills That Actually Work

4 ADHD Skills That Actually Work

by | Jul 9, 2022 | ,

If you have ADHD, you know that finding the right set of tools and techniques that work for you can be a process of trial and error. What works for you might be the opposite of helpful for someone else. Below you’ll find a few techniques to try that go beyond the...

Deep Breathing: Why Do It?

Deep Breathing: Why Do It?

by | Anxiety

If you have ever felt frustrated by being told to just “take a deep breath” when you are feeling angry or anxious, you aren’t alone. It’s difficult to heed this advice when, in the moment, the mind and body are distracted or dysregulated. The adage of “just breathe” has been around for a very long time, though it seems the science of how deep breathing works is not information that many of us are aware of.
 

Let’s try it out:

  

Find a comfortable seat in an environment where you feel safe. When you feel ready, begin to relax the muscles in and around your forehead, jaw, and shoulders. Take a deep breath in through your nose for a count of three – two – one. Pause at the top, and then when you’re ready, exhale through your mouth for a count of three – two – one. Pause at the bottom, and then repeat this pattern for as many times as you’d like. If the mind wanders, as it will, just notice and then gently invite it back to the breath. As you practice, feel free to lengthen or shorten the number of seconds you inhale, exhale, or pause the breath. Notice if you feel anything changing in the mind or body.

 
At first, it may not feel like a lot is happening, but there are subtle shifts taking place in the central nervous system when we breathe. Let’s use anxiety as an example. Can you recall a time where you felt anxious, and the changes that happened, either in your heart rate, breath, or perspiration? Often, when anxious or agitated, the heart speeds up, breath becomes shallow, and we start to sweat. This is the sympathetic nervous system turning on the ‘fight-or-flight” response. The breath speeds up, for example, because the body is preparing itself to either escape from or ward off danger. An increase in oxygen means an increase in blood to the muscles (to literally fight with or use to escape from something).
 
 
So, then, slowing the breath creates an opposite effect. When we purposefully take long, deep breaths, even if we are still feeling anxious, the deepening of the breath acts as a messenger to the parasympathetic nervous system – the ‘rest-and-digest’ response. The brain pays attention to the breath, and as it slows, the brain then sends signals to the heart to slow down, too. We literally hit the brake pads of the ‘fight-or-flight’ mechanism, which assists the nervous system in slowing down and returning to baseline. This creates opportunities for us to notice how we are feeling and care for ourselves in the moment. As we breathe, the body exits survival mode and can resume caring for itself as it’s designed to do.
 
 
Deep breathing may be simple, but this doesn’t mean it’s easy. Like anything, engaging the breath takes practice. Every time you take a deep breath, you are doing a bicep curl for the brain – and strengthening your ability to cope and self-regulate when emotions are high. Sometimes these emotions remain intense even during an attempt to take a deep breath, and so it’s important to remember that even if the emotion persists, by breathing, you’ve practiced taking care of yourself and reminding your nervous system that it – and you – are safe.

About the Author

Kayla Johnson is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC) that loves to help clients that experience anxiety and panic. In addition to her work as a therapist, Kayla also teaches yoga! Here’s a link to her bio where you can learn more about Kayla and her work: https://starmeadowcounseling.com/counselors/kayla-johnson/