(360) 952-3070 [email protected]
When is the Right Time to Try Couple’s Counseling?

When is the Right Time to Try Couple’s Counseling?

by | Dec 23, 2019 | Couples/Marriage, Relationships

For better or worse. Those words seem easy to say at the time, but when worse gets really bad, many couples are ready to throw in the towel. Here are some things to consider that might indicate that your relationship is ready for a tune-up.

The Stigma of Counseling

It can be hard to make the decision to go to couples counseling because it means you have to face your problems and admit you and your partner are on shaky ground. That can be incredibly scary to admit. It’s not dissimilar to thinking something may be wrong with your health, but you’re too scared to face the music and so you ignore the issue until it gets way too big.

Beyond having to admit you and your partner have problems, there’s also the discomfort of not being familiar with therapy. It can definitely feel a bit mysterious and scary sitting down with a total stranger and sharing personal information about your relationship.

For these reasons, far too many couples let their marriage issues sit on the back burner, percolating. But the better option is to nip an issue in the bud as soon as it rears its ugly head.

To save you some confusion, here are some of the most common relationship issues that typically require some time in couples counseling.

Broken Trust

Whenever there is a major breach of trust, such as an extramarital affair, there is usually a need for couples counseling. A therapist can help you both rebuild the foundation of trust.

More Frequent Arguments

To each relationship, a little rain must fall. But when you start having frequent torrential downpours, it’s time to ask for help. An increase in fighting and intensity of fighting often means significant problems under the surface.

Stonewalling

If you and your partner aren’t talking at all about important matters, this too can erode a relationship. Feelings of resentment can build up and be difficult to address if left to fester for too long.

You’ve Experienced a Devastating Event

Life throws us events in our lives that are hard to rebound from. Whether it’s a financial loss or the loss of a loved one, as in the loss of a child, the trauma can change the way you and your partner relate to one another.

These are just a few of the reasons you and your partner should consider exploring couples counseling. It’s always better to seek help than try and go it alone.

If you are interested in treatment options, please be in touch with us. We have a licensed marriage and family therapist now accepting new clients.

3 Ways to Kindly Say “No” to Invites for Introverts

3 Ways to Kindly Say “No” to Invites for Introverts

by | Aug 19, 2019 | Anxiety, Relationships

Life is challenging when you’re an introvert. What are simple interactions for many people can feel anxious and uncomfortable to you. The mere idea of taking part in certain social events can be exhausting and emotionally draining to an introvert.

While some social functions, such as business meetings, cannot be missed, there are social gatherings that can be, and it is totally okay for you to say no. This may feel almost as uncomfortable to you as actually attending the party or event, but it’s important to put your own needs ahead of others in times like these.

If you are an introvert that generally has a hard time saying no to invites, here are some ways you can do it kindly:

 

Be Honest-ish

We tend to feel a lot of pressure to give myriad details on why we can’t accept an invite to an event. If we don’t have a “good enough” excuse, some of us will blatantly lie, which then makes us feel bad.

There is no need to lie and no need to give more details than necessary. You can simply say, “Thanks so much but I already have plans.” We all have plans all of the time. You may plan on doing the laundry that night or watching Game of Thrones while eating pistachio ice cream (which is a great plan, BTW). That is the truth but it is no one else’s business but yours.

 

Be Gracious

Before saying “no,” be gracious and thank the person very much for inviting you in the first place. It will make the other person feel good that they made you feel good by thinking of you.

 

Practice What to Say

It’s easy to say no in a text or email, but when you will see that person in person, saying no can feel incredibly awkward. The best thing to do is just practice saying, “Thank you so much for asking but I already have plans that day/evening,” so that it comes out naturally and so that you feel at ease saying it.

I would like to suggest that, before saying no to an invite, you really weigh the pros and cons. I know being introverted can be challenging, but I also know that it can get pretty lonely at times. Saying yes once in a while may not be as bad as you think. While saying no to a huge, loud party may make sense for you, be open-minded and look for those new social situations you actually might be able to handle and enjoy. You never know the kind of fun you could have or new friends you could make.

 

Introversion vs. Social Anxiety

Introverts tend to feel exhausted after social interactions, but so do people with social anxiety symptoms.

How can you tell the difference between the two? Be curious about why you’re avoiding social interaction.

  • If you’re worried about what other people think about you, that is likely social anxiety.
  • If you feel nervous, worrying about the “right” thing to say, that’s probably social anxiety.
  • If you ruminate about or replay a social experience on repeat after the fact, that’s probably social anxiety.

 

A person can be an introvert AND have social anxiety. A therapist can help you honor your introversion needs, while working to overcome social fears.

 

 

7 Skills to Try When You Feel “Overwhelmed”

7 Skills to Try When You Feel “Overwhelmed”

,

Have you ever felt completely overcome by an intense emotions? Have feelings at times felt challenging to manage and overcome? The experience of being “overwhelmed” is uncomfortable and impactful in your life at work, home, or school.   Defining "Overwhelm" Emotional...

Coping with Scarcity and Scarcity Mentality

Coping with Scarcity and Scarcity Mentality

,

Are you among the millions of people that have lost work since a state of emergency was declared last month? Employment numbers keep rising across the country. And those numbers don’t account for those whose applications for unemployment remain in limbo. There is an...

Pandemic Survival Skills from an Anxiety Counselor

Pandemic Survival Skills from an Anxiety Counselor

As we adjust to a new normal that includes self-quarantining, a shift in plans and routines, and significant uncertainty, it’s important to find ways to maintain our mental and emotional health. We’ve gathered some recommendations here, but strongly encourage you to...

5 Benefits of a Weekly Game Night for Your Mental Health

5 Benefits of a Weekly Game Night for Your Mental Health

by | May 1, 2019 | Relationships

Our daily lives can get so busy. Obligations to work and family, as well as taking time to care for ourselves, can often make us forget to have a little fun. If the hustle and bustle of modern life has caused you to neglect your playful side, a weekly game night may be just what you need.

A game night will not only bring you laughter and enjoyment, but it will help you spend quality time with your friends and loved ones. But with so many commitments and so little time, you might be wondering if it’s worthwhile to take time out of your busy schedule to play? If so, read on for five ways a weekly game night will benefit you and your mental health.

1. Improves Relationships

Playing games with people you care about will not only improve relationships because you’re spending quality time, but it will actually strengthen those relationships through biochemistry. As you spend time close to loved ones, your body releases oxytocin, a hormone that creates feelings of trust and intimacy, strengthening your relationships.

2. Relieves Stress

Playing games induces laughter, and as the saying goes, “laughter is the best medicine.” Laughter is a very simple way to help your body produce endorphins, a neurotransmitter that will reduce your perception of pain and lead to feelings of euphoria, modulating stress and anxiety.

3. Relieves Anxiety and Depression

Spending time with friends or loved ones can make you feel significant and more important; this causes your serotonin to flow more. Serotonin will boost your mood, helping to regulate any anxiety or depression.

4. Improves Sleep

As you enjoy yourself with friends around the table, laughing and interacting with them, you will naturally reduce the levels of cortisol in your body, reducing stress and helping you sleep more soundly. You’ll also exert energy as you play, which will tire you out at the end of the day and help you fall asleep faster.

5. Makes You Happy

Having fun releases your natural “happy chemicals”, or hormones, that impact your mood. When you’re laughing and having fun, your body releases dopamine, serotonin, endorphins and oxytocin. These hormones will naturally make you feel happier, both in the moment and in the long-term.

As you plan out your week with teacher conferences, work meetings, and lunch dates, make sure you schedule in a little time for fun. You’ll be glad you did.

Are you looking for guidance and encouragement to make your life more fulfilling and meaningful? A licensed mental health counselor can help you make changes and work towards achieving your goals. Call our office today, and schedule a time to talk.

6 Ways to Improve Your Self Awareness

6 Ways to Improve Your Self Awareness

by | Nov 26, 2018 | Relationships

SPECIAL THANKS TO EMILY DE LA TORRE FROM PAX FAMILY COUNSELING FOR THIS GUEST BLOG POST!

A few weeks ago I was providing a training for a business in Vancouver, WA on  “Exercising Emotional Intelligence in Sales.” During the presentation we went over the importance of tapping into emotional intelligence (EQ) and how people who have high EQ consistently see better results in business and in sales.

In fact, current research is now showing that when it comes to excelling in business, EQ is more important than IQ and previous work experience.

 

The four main components of emotional intelligence:

 

1. Self Awareness

2. Self Management

3. Social Awareness

4. Relationship Management

 

During the presentation, I focused heavily on two areas of EQ, Self Awareness and Relationship Management. After the training, I was asked if there were any quick resources for gaining a deeper sense of self awareness. Unfortunately, I couldn’t think of any tangible guides! This brought me to the idea of creating a post on deepening self awareness. The questions below are designed to provoke contemplation and to help each of us dive deeper into building a stronger sense of self awareness.

*Note* These questions are not easy. They may bring up feelings of discomfort and you may need time to process through your findings after you finish this exercise.  Just remember discomfort is natural in self discovery and in growth.

Instructions:

Take some time while going through these questions. You may find writing or journaling your answers to be a productive way to process through your responses. To deepen this experience, share with your partner or a close friend and see if they have anything to add that may help you on your journey to developing more self awareness.

Good luck!

6 Ways to Improve Your Self Awareness

 

1. Honestly acknowledge criticism. Look at the criticism you have received, contemplate on these remarks and ask yourself if any of this could be true. Our initial reaction is usually to deny the negative things that are said about us, however these statements can lead us down deeper paths of understanding. Rumi once said, “If you are irritated by every rub, how will your mirror be polished?” Take criticism as an opportunity to look inside.

2. Ask for feedback. While it is tempting to want to hear only the positives, it is imperative to hear the potential negatives as well. Ask for feedback from your boss, business partner, employees and/or anyone you have interfaced with on a professional level. Get in there and find out the true nitty gritty details. This is hard, humbling and a very effective way to help uncover our blind spots.

self awareness

3. Check in about your triggers. What things bother you? Where did these triggers come from? What have you done to work on these aspects? Noticing our triggers is a way to take blame off of others and to turn inward to uncover our sensitivities.

4. Look at your defenses. What do you do when you are uncomfortable? Do you use humor, blame, anger etc? Where did these come from and what purpose do they serve for you? Defenses protect us. However, when we can recognize our defenses rather than simply engaging in them subconsciously we can gain more self awareness.

5. Recognize your vices.What are your vices? How and when did they come into play in your life? What are you avoiding by holding onto your vices? What are you doing to overcome these? Vices start as a means to find something out there that will make us feel better than how we feel on the inside. Unfortunately, then they can turn into addictions. 

self awareness

6. Take a look at the past. What strong beliefs, views or experiences did you encounter in your family of origin? How have these shaped you today? Are there any biases or stereotypes you subscribe to due to your upbringing? This is a big one. An honest look in the past can be sobering. All of us have been influenced by our past, knowing how your past has effected you will help you gain more present day awareness.

For more on deepening who you are, check out The Importance of Authenticity.

“Owning our story can be hard, but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it.” – Brene Brown

 

 

 

 

-This is a guest blog post written by a wonderful local therapist, Emily De La Torre, with Pax Family Counseling in Vancouver, WA.

 

How to Gear Up for an Awkward Conversation

How to Gear Up for an Awkward Conversation

by | May 28, 2018 | Anger Management, Anxiety, Relationships, Self Acceptance

Years ago, I was the guitarist in a rock band. Well, okay, the term “rock band” might be a bit of an exaggeration. It was really a group of fresh-faced college students playing children’s music at local parks. The trouble was, our drummer had just learned some fancy new fills and was throwing off the beat–repeatedly, in every single song.

Ever the “nice” kid, I recall being wracked with anxiety as I prepared to confront the drummer. I waited passively first, hoping he would figure out on his own that he was the one messing things up. When that didn’t do the trick, I knew it was time to say something.

It was around that time that one of my mentors taught me how to use “I”-Statements, which forever changed the way I approach awkward conversations, and allowed me to find the words for opening up to the drummer.

 

“I”-STATEMENTS

“I”-Statements are an approach to confrontation that allows the person doing the confronting to take ownership for their own thoughts, feelings, and needs. Not surprisingly, “I”-statements typically start with the word “I.” Here are some example “I”-Statement sentence starters:

  • I noticed…
  • I feel… (and you have to use an actual emotion word here!)
  • What I’d like is…

In contrast, “You”-statements put the blame on the other person, setting into motion the type of defensiveness that often escalates a confrontation into a fight. A typical “You”-statement might sound something like– “Drummer dude, you’re screwing up our rhythm!” That approach would probably not have lead to anything constructive and may have damaged band cohesion.

Instead, an I-statement allows me to express how I’m being impacted and what I need. For example: “Drummer dude, I noticed myself struggling to keep a steady strumming rhythm during those transitions when you’re using the new drum fills. I’ve felt lost during those parts. What I’d like is to hold off on using the new fills until we can get in sync with our rhythm in practice.”

 

Sometimes, an “I”-statement doesn’t feel like quite enough, especially when the awkward conversation you are preparing is particularly hard for someone to hear.

Let’s be real! Being on the receiving end of feedback can be uncomfortable, exposing, and make us feel vulnerable! Most of us have a natural defensive mechanism that steps in when those feelings come up while someone is giving feedback. That defensiveness can come across as denying, blaming, excusing, or ignoring. When you’re anticipating defensiveness in your awkward conversation, the “Empathy Sandwich” technique might come in handy.

 

 EMPATHY SANDWICH

A palatable confrontation is like a bologna sandwich.

  • The top slice of bread is an empathy statement. You can demonstrate empathy (which helps soften your confrontation) by showing that you understand where the other person is coming from. You put yourself in their shoes. For example: “You’ve been so excited to try out the new drum fills you’re learning!”

 

  • The bologna is the meat of the confrontation– the main point you’re hoping they hear. “I noticed myself struggling to keep a steady strumming rhythm during those transitions when you’re using the new fills. I’ve felt lost during those parts. What I’d like is to hold off on using the new fills until we can get in sync with our rhythm in practice.”

 

  • The bottom slice of bread is another empathy statement. “I understand why you’ve been so motivated to try the new fills! You’ve got that battle of the drummers competition coming up and you’re worried you might not be ready!”

 

The empathy sandwich technique might not work so well if the “meat” of your sandwich has too many layers. Do your best to stick to the point. What do you most want them to hear? If you throw in the kitchen sink, they will likely miss the point.

The empathy sandwich technique works best when the empathy statements you choose assume the best in the other person, are non-judgmental, and reflect your sense of how the other person is feeling.

 

FEEDBACK GUIDELINES

 In her book, “Daring Greatly,” Brene Brown provides a checklist that a person can use to gauge whether or not they are ready to give feedback.

“I know I am ready to give feedback when–

  • I’m ready to sit next to you rather than across from you;
  • I’m willing to put the problem in front of us rather than between us (or sliding it toward you)
  • I’m ready to listen, ask questions and accept that I may not fully understand the issue;
  • I want to acknowledge what you do well instead of picking apart your mistakes;
  • I recognize your strengths and how you can use them to address your challenges;
  • I can hold you accountable without shaming or blaming you;
  • I’m willing to own my part;
  • I can genuinely thank you for your efforts rather than criticize you for your failings;
  • I can talk about how resolving these challenges will lead to your growth and opportunity; and
  • I can model the vulnerability and openness that I can expect from you. (p.204, Daring Greatly)”

 

A printed version of Brene Brown’s checklist can be found at her website.

 

If you’d like support gearing up for an awkward conversation, a counselor at Star Meadow Counseling is available to help!

 

 

REFERENCES

Brown, B. (2017). Engaged Feedback Checklist. Retrieved May 28, 2018, from https://brenebrown.com/downloads/engaged-feedback-checklist/

5 Apologies That Don’t Work

5 Apologies That Don’t Work

by | Mar 20, 2018 | Relationships

Have you ever wondered why your apology might not be working? It has surely happened to all of us. Sometimes we end up asking for forgiveness and somehow it still isn’t good enough. Has it ever occurred to you that it may be in your best interest to reevaluate how you apologize? If so, take a look at the list below.

 

5 Apologies That Don’t Work:

 

I’ll only be sorry if…
This false apology is insinuating that there are strings attached. This position holds power over the other person because it is guilting them into accepting an apology upon condition. A genuine apology is not conditional. If you are looking for strings attached, try attending a puppet show.

I’m sorry! But…
The phrase “but” is tricky. In a context like this it completely minimizes the apology. This appears to brush over the importance of the apology and rush quickly into another agenda. Unfortunately, it erases the gravity of the apology, which quickly be seen as not taking things seriously.
I’m sorry ok?! I’m sorry!
An apology like this looks an awful lot like folding to make the other move on, rather than truly feeling sorry. This is appeasement. It says, “I’ll say it only because you WANT me to say it, not because I really feel it.” This apology leaves too much room for confusion and further hurt.
Sorry, can’t we just get over it?!
No. People can’t just get over it. Not until the pain is heard and seen. This apology is pushing too hard, too fast. When you have to ask someone to “get over it”, you need to re-evaluate how you are showing your true intentions of asking for forgiveness.
I’m sorry you feel that way, not for what I did.
This is not an apology. This stance only shows a lack of ownership by refusing to acknowledge your part in causing hurt. This can lead to heightened reactions and more fighting.

The best apologies are the ones that acknowledge the pain, convey an understanding of how the other feels, then asks for forgiveness through an apology.  It may look something like this: “Hey, I see you…I hear you…I can tell this hurt. I am sorry that this hurt. I don’t want to hurt you. Will you forgive me?” When people feel deeply heard then things begin to change. It may not be done on the first apology, but avoiding the detours listed above will get you there a lot quicker.

 

For more on effective communication, check out 31 Empathetic Statements that Show You Care.

About the Author: Emily De La Torre

This is a guest post from a wonderful local counselor, Emily De La Torre. Emily is a fellow therapist who runs Pax Family Counseling in Vancouver, WA.  To learn more about Pax Family Counseling, you can check them out here.